(Author’s note: My use of the term “man†only refers to characteristics of many men that I know, and one in particular whom I live with, and not all men in general.  Likewise my use of the term “novelistâ€. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual circumstances, say for example what has happened in my house in the past couple of weeks, is purely coincidental. Maybe.)
Novelist: I’m not sure this novel I’m writing is going in the right direction.
Man: Uh oh. I’m a bit sniffly.
Novelist: Wait. Wait a minute. What the hell am I writing about here? Where’s my motivation? Where’s my conflict? None of this makes any sense!
Man: Oh no. I’m achy, snuffly, sneezy. I’m sick!
Novelist: Nobody could possibly like this heroine. She’s aggressive, boring, wishy-washy, offputting and too stupid to live. And this plot is like the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Oh my god, this book is going to bomb.
Man: What do you mean, I’ve got a cold? I’ve got flu! Flu! Horrible flu!!!!!!
Novelist: My last book wasn’t like this. It flowed, effortlessly, and I hardly had to do any revisions before I gave it in.
Man: I’ve never been sick like this before! Oh God I think I’m going to die!! No, this isn’t the cold you had on the weekend, it’s much worse!
Novelist: I must torture myself endlessly, walk around with my head bowed and my shoulders tense, and snap at anyone who talks to me. Because my book is rubbish, I am worthless, and my life is awful!
Man: I must go straight to bed. My wife surely has a spare few moments between looking after the kids, doing all the housework, and her full-time job to bring me tea and toast and cook me chicken soup from scratch, with dumplings because that’s the way I like it best. I’m also pretty sure that she’d appreciate being woken up at 3 am so I can tell her I’ve got a headache and have taken an aspirin. No, I don’t need a hot water bottle! Well, yes, maybe another cup of tea, though I’m not sure I’ll manage to drink it all, seeing as it hurts so much to sit up.
Novelist: Everyone says that being uncertain of your work is a good thing, because it means you’re stretching yourself. That means that my self-torture is actually a positive sign that I’m growing creatively. Right?
Man: My doctor says that I should rest constantly and eat vast home-cooked meals and not do any washing up. It will help me get better faster. Right?
Novelist: This book really does stink. I think my career is over. Imagine the reviews. I really might as well admit I can’t write and give it all up before I hideously embarrass myself.
Man: What if this isn’t flu? What if it’s pneumonia? What if it’s lung cancer? Maybe I should look up some symptoms on the internet.  Wait—I’ve got that one!
Novelist: You don’t understand!!! This is the end of the world!!!
Man: You don’t understand!!! This is the end of the world!!!
Novelist: I must drink.
Man: How many of these little cups of Nyquil can you take at once?
Novelist: Actually, now that I’m through those awful scenes, I can see where I went wrong. And it’s probably not that hard to fix.
Man: Well, you’re the one who told me to stop moaning and get out of bed. You can’t complain now that I’m underfoot. Do we have any cheese?
Novelist: I sort of like this book after all.
Man: I’m really feeling much better now. And besides, the football is on this afternoon and my mates are expecting me down the pub. Oh, stop going on about it, I only had a bit of a cold.
No related posts.
OMG I love this post!! It’s freaking brilliant and oh so true on the sick man end (I’m not a novelist so I don’t know about the other).
Great post. Thanks for the morning chuckle.
MsM
Julie, thanks for cheering up my morning! I’m in exactly this place, with both The Book AND The Man (nearing the end of revisions on the latest book which I feel certain will kill my career, whilst my husband battles bronchitis…) and you’ve brilliantly nailed both monologues!
Hope you and the Fecklet have a very merry Christmas
This cheered me up!
LOVE THIS POST!!! You made my day of snow and freezing rain seem manageable. At least my hubbie is healthy and shoveling a path for the dog. LOL
LOL
Have you met my hubby?
This could be a transcript from the last time he got ill.
(And is DEFINITELY a transcript of my writing ‘dramas’)
Wonderful post!
Thanks guys. It is ever-so-slightly close to the truth. I’m glad to learn it’s universal. And very glad to cheer you up.
Sorry I haven’t replied before, we’re in a hotel room in Boston. Husband is still ill, but he’s being more stoic about it.
And I’ve finished my book and it’s with my editor, so all angst is on hold until 2010.
Susanna, I hope your dh gets better soon and that the book is done soon too.
I can relate. It’s ski season here. My husband falls ill with cold symptoms after spending a few days on the slopes. Then, by the time the weekend rolls around with promises of great ski conditions, he feels better than he’s felt in ages.
Natalie Acres