Every time I attend a writer’s conference, I get cornered by at least one new writer bubbling over with enthusiasm. It’s her first conference, her first editor appointment. She just finished her first manuscript and she tells me all about it, blow by blow. There’s so much information–her mind is ready to explode! When the editor requests her manuscript, she’s in danger of being assumed directly into heaven.
I smile, and I remember when I used to feel like that about writing. I don’t anymore. It’s not that I don’t enjoy my work. I write almost every day, and as I sit in front of the computer working on a story I love, time flies. But I’m not consumed with the publishing world 24/7. I’m not combing bookstore shelves and analyzing the market. I don’t talk endlessly about writing with my friends or scour the writing blogs for tips that might give me a slight edge.
At one point, my lack of consuming passion worried me. (I even wrote a blog about it right here, some time ago.) But I think I’ve figured it out, and it’s not simply that I’m old and jaded.
Writing is like love. When you first fall in love, it’s all you can think about. Seeing your beloved makes your stomach swoop. You can’t sleep, can’t work, can’t think about anything but him. You talk about him incessantly until your friends want to lock you in a closet. Eventually, though, that crazy love–if it lasts–settles into something deeper, something more enduring. You are comfortable together. You stop expecting that four-carat diamond ring, but you are pleased when you get a surprise bouquet of daisies or that fancy frying pan you’ve been eyeing.
You know what to expect from each other. You see his flaws and love him anyway. Sometimes you want to get away from him for a weekend, but then you’re happy to see him again. Every once in a while you look at him and your stomach swoops, and you have that falling-in-love sensation again and you know you chose wisely.
That’s how writing is for me. When I first joined RWA, writing and publishing were my obsessions. I wrote every spare moment, and when I wasn’t writing, I was thinking about and talking about writing. But that stage doesn’t last forever, nor should it. Eventually my life balanced out a bit. I drifted from excitement to contentment.
Writing and me, we’re at that old-married-couple stage. Yeah, I miss the heart palpatations, the newness. I might flirt with other occupations, maybe even dabble in a few. But my relationship with writing endures. I’ve stopped waiting for the gigantic diamond (the six-figure contract) but I still get nice surprises along the way. To long for that young writer’s excitement and giddiness makes as much sense as longing for the angst of teenage love. And no one wants to be there again!
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I loved this analogy and it made perfect sense!
Kara, you captured the cycle of writing so perfectly! I’ve been in that swept-off-my-feet stage and am finally settling into the comfortable stage. For me, I get those pesky doubts about if he (agent, editor, readers) still loves me,
but I assume I’ll pass through that, too, as the career continues to develop.
It took time for me to realize that I needed balance. That, YES, there IS time to walk or take a yoga class! That I CAN help at my kids’ school! That if I don’t devote every spare moment and brain cell to writing, I can still accomplish my goals, finish a manuscript, and maintain my sanity and passion (in fact, my writing life is better BECAUSE of the balance).
How’s L.A.? Are you loving it? Missing the Lonestar state?
Beautiful comparison. I’ve seen that in others, but it was never the way with me. I wrote my first book when I was four years old. It’s something I’ve simply always done. As for falling in love, well, I picked my future husband out of a crowd of Alaskan studs and said, “Lord, I’ll take that one!” I knew he was The One, but it’s more like I ‘grew into love’ with him than fall like a ton of bricks. And, hey, it worked out beautifully!
(rubs tummy full of fifth baby) 
I love the comparison, I’m at the old married couple stage. I’m not published, but I’ve been rejected so many times, it feels comfortable. Now did I just say that? Writing isn’t #1 in my life, I love it, but I have other things that keep me just as busy.
You know, I used to just sweat every date, wondering if this guy was “the one.” Eventually I just relaxed about it. It didn’t kill me if the guy didn’t call back. I got used to rejection, lol! Oddly enough, abt a year after I got into that mindset, I did meet the ONE, and it’s been a great 9 yrs. So you never know, Lee…your 6 fig book deal might just be around the corner
Thank you all for your comments. I’m glad this made at least some sense to others!
Leah, that was how I ended up married, too. I finally just said, what the hell, I don’t care, I’m perfectly happy single. And then he came along.
Great blog. As a new writer (i.e. unpublished) I still get the swooping feeling in the pit of my stomach when the words flow smoothly and the hero makes my sigh.
BTW I am currently reading The Good Father. I am only one chapter in, but after reading your blog post at Plotmonkeys last week I knew I had to get it.
Lovely analogy, Kara — I can only hope my budding writing career will be as successful as my 21-year marriage!
Lovely analogy, Kara — I can only hope my budding writing career will be as successful as my 21-year marriage!
Oops…got impatient and hit submit twice…sorry!
Patty–
It is nice to know that people actually do read blogs and buy books as a result! I hope it lives up to my hype!
Linda–LOL, I do that all the time. I get impatient when the most doesn’t get published instantly.
Great comparison. If you take it just a little farther, I think there’s a lesson to make sure you always keep the joy in your writing — just as you do your other long term relationships — even when the laundry-list of revisions needs cleaning, the internal editor needs to be walked, and the future story children are clamoring to play.
Good point, Jessa…and we also need to remember that if we hang in there through those times where we look at our writing(spouse) across the computer (breakfast table) and can’t remember anything we even *like* about story/job (person), the love generally comes back — and usually some of the excitement, too. Any good relationship takes not just commitment and hard work, but patience and, sometimes, a whopping dose of blind faith.
)
(So, Kara, you do know that it’s a compliment to your analogy that we’re having this much fun playing with it, right?
Oh, good one, Jessa.
Jessa and Linda, I love your extensions!
Yes, Kimber An, I’m pleased to see people running with this.
Kara
Kara I started your book yesterday and just finished it. I loved it. Now I am going to have to go find the first two books. LOL My hubbie and bank account thank you. GIGGLE
Kara I’m howling with laughter–only because every word is true.
I think I’m finally moving past that Seven Year Itch stage and starting to settle in.