I cannot tell a lie. I’m one of those who spent most of her late twenties and very early thirties (I’m now 34) waiting for Mr. Right in order to take that grand trip. I never planned to do it alone. In his absence I waited for girlfriends to free their busy schedules to come along with me. And it never happened. I never went on that trip. First off, every time I thought I met Mr. Right, he’d be out the door before the thought of asking whether he wanted to take a trip even came up. The girlfriends’ trip was also a big bust. After mentioning going on a big trip, they’d later NEED to ask their boyfriends first and the plan would fall through. Some even suggested bringing along their boyfriends, because nothing says FUN like going to Europe as a third wheel.
You can always count on your girlfriends, right? Wrong. The story didn’t change much. I’d ask if they wanted to go to London or Madrid or Vienna and they’d respond with an excited and dreamy look, then immediately say YES! It got my hopes up. Of course, the dreamy gaze and impulsive YES was immediately followed by the friends’ apparent abduction because I never heard or saw the friend again for weeks. Even after repeated phone calls to plan the trip out before it was too late, even after numerous emails. The result was always silence. It was disappointing but I kept on following this pattern for years, waiting for friends to decide when I would see the world, waiting for a Mr. Right that was no where to be found.
The last straw was asking a friend of mine to go to Europe with me. It was a trip we both, I thought, wanted to go on very badly. Since we were both on opposite ends of the country, email and phone calls were the only way to plan, so I emailed her details, dates and websites. I called her…and left messages, messages and more messages. None of them returned. It dawned on me that she merely enjoyed talking about taking a trip with me and that she had no intention whatsoever because 1) I wasn’t her boyfriend and 2) talking and not acting was a lot easier. I was angry at her and wanted to wring her neck. I was going to miss out on another tip and then…
….then it suddenly became clear. It wasn’t her fault! She was living her life, deciding her fate. If I wasn’t traveling, experiencing different cultures, it was my fault. I was giving this person the power to decide my fate. And it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to my friend. In the past, I had postponed trips because friends couldn’t come with me and I was very close to doing it again. I could not do it again and so….I snapped. I woke up from the comatose state I’d been living my life in and did it. I booked a trip to Vienna and on September 12 will embark on the trip of a lifetime…19 days of pure heaven, roaming the streets of Austria, Hungary, Poland and the Czech Republic.
Clicking Purchase had the result of injecting a newfound life and determination in me. I’ve been over the moon like I haven’t been in years.
For years I let people make decisions for me. They decided when I would travel. They called the shots on my future and I let them. An avalanche of memories hit me and I realized why I lived in New York for six years (friends and an ex boyfriend I thought I could win back), why didn’t quit graduate school when I knew it wasn’t what I loved (friends again). I’ve lived my life not really living. I’ve let others do it all for me. I learned a lot about myself the day I made the decision to travel solo. I learned I had put my life on the back burner while waiting for Mr. Right. I learned that I allowed others to make decisions for me. I lived standing on the sidelines, watching life pass me by. I was that person Christopher Cross sang of in the theme song for the Dustin Hoffman flick TOOTSIE (great film, if you haven’t seen it). It was that realization that shook me to the core.
I am now in charge of my life and I make the decisions. Booking my trip was the first step. It’s all been very liberating since then. A trip alone may be nerve racking (some even think it’s crazy), but I wouldn’t have it any other way. The excitement, sense of fulfillment that I feel everyday for even having booked the flight is something I wouldn’t trade for anything on earth (well…maybe a lifetime with Johnny Depp…maybe). I’m about to live my own UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN and am eager to get to know what makes me tick.
Do you have any solo trip experiences or life altering “wake up call” moments you’d like to share?
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Daniela’s love for books began as a child in her native San Francisco, where she lived a block away from her local library. The love (some call it OBSESSION) followed her to college where she studied English and History and soon developed a passion for Britain’s Victorian and Regency periods. She loves Jane Austen and considers Austen’s lesser known PERSUASION one of the greatest romances of all time. Daniela reads any chance she gets; her favorite romance authors are Lisa Kleypas (she claims to be her #1 fan), Mary Balogh, Loretta Chase, Julie Anne Long and Candace Hern.
Oh, yes. It hit me suddenly too. I was living in the Lower 48 and I literally woke up one morning and I thought, “I’m ready to get married!” I’d spent the previous years traveling, staying and living in the best places as a nanny, so that no longer appealed to me. So, I asked my brother where the best place to find a husband was. He said, “Move to Alaska, walk into the largest church in town, and just take your pick.” Worked.
Back then, the men outnumbered the women ten-to-one in Alaska, but in that church it was fifeteen-to-one and the only other single woman was already engaged.
Google ‘Alaska Men’ for a helpful magazine and be prepared to move outside your comfort zone to live happily ever after.
Yes, it’s cold up here, but you’ll have a good man to keep you warm before you know it!
Here’s the link-
http://www.alaskamen-online.com/
Happy hunting!
I’m still single at 36, so I’m still looking for my Mr. Right. I’m not sure if I could quite step out of my comfort zone enough to move to Alaska. I really don’t enjoy the cold at all. I’m pretty good about making plans alone, but it took me a few years to be ok with going to dinner alone or the movies alone. I’m lucky that my friends and I do still plan trips without kids or husbands. We are doing Vegas at 40, New York at 45, and Italy at 50.
Hope you have a blast on your trip! Sounds like a wonderful trip.
My first solo trip to Europe was in the early spring of 2002. I wandered around central and southern Spain; had been before but never alone. The trip was fabulous — something about being alone made me more approachable and more willing to approach others. One of my best memories is chatting with a wizened old man I met outside of the Alcazar in Segovia; he was concerned about me as a woman alone as night was approaching — did I need an escort back to my friends? No, but I appreciated his conversation on the walk back to the Aqueduct.
At the time, one of the women I worked with wondered why I was going alone, and thought it was brave to travel without a significant other or family member. (If I’d asked, my sister or friends would’ve gone; had no SO at the time.) My answer: there’s nothing brave about it, just an acknowledgement that there are things I want to do in my life that I’m not willing to put off while waiting for Mr. Right (or even Mr. Okay).
I’m of an entirely different generation here. Back in the day, women got married. Period. Or needed a darn good reason not to. I think if I were a few years younger, I might have thought differently, but when that’s all you see around you, and you go to college (if you’re not married or engaged out of high school) so you can have something “to fall back on” if your circumstances require it, it’s amazing how accepting you are. (Which leads to another topic that’s not really appropriate here, but that’s the historical heroine acting with twentieth century values. If you don’t see it, you don’t really know there’s another way to live).
At any rate, ‘women’s lib’ was barely getting started.
So, I was in grad school getting my teaching certificate per California laws, and there were only 3 females in my biology lab section. One was engaged, one had a steady boyfriend, and there was me. The lab T.A. was a nice enough guy.
Cut to the chase: we met in October, were engaged in February, married in August and now, 39 years later, we’re still together.
So, no, I didn’t go ’solo’. But we’re both independent people, and we give each other the space we need, and he had no problem when I said I wanted to start writing.
Wow!
I congratulate you and wish you an AWESOME trip!
I am in a totally different pickle. I married young, 21. I have 2 young kids and no family to take them over the weekend. And I am scared to go anywhere alone. And my DH is very protective of me. Not possessive but he loves to be the protector. And I’ve let him.
But every now and again, I feel like I want to spread my wings. There are always ten reasons for not going and only one TO go…because I want to.
I’m stuck either because of $$, or child care or time or any number of things.
I am very happy for you that you are doing this for yourself. I understand things from your frineds’ perspective. You want to fly, but your wings are bound. The binds are invisible but there.
I do not regret marrying as young as I did, but sometimes, I wonder what it is like to go to see a show like The Thunder Down Under and not feel guilt, or go to a RWA conference and do the things I read about others doing.
It always sounds so glamourous.
Do what you can when you can while you own your own time because a significant other can significantly affect any spontaneous plans you happen to make. Add kids and it’s a Mt. Everest Challenge.
Marraige brings its own type of freedoms, but travel plans like yours, unless one wins the lottery or marries money, or has a CEO position, is hard to arrange.
So,
I’m cheering for you!
My “I don’t have to wait for others” wake-up came when I was in my early 20s. I enjoy going to the theater, but none of my friends were willing to pay for tickets, which can be expensive. They certainly wouldn’t commit to season tickets. The guys my age didn’t exactly think of musical theater as a date possibility. For a while, that meant I missed a lot of shows I really wanted to see, but then I realized that I go to movies alone, which is very similar, and it’s not as though it’s a very social occasion, as you’re supposed to be sitting quietly during the show. So I got season tickets by myself and shoved a book in my purse to read during intermission. I ended up making friends with the people who sat near me, so I ended up not even needing the book.
I absolutely love traveling alone and would have to be very sure of travel compatibility to travel with someone else. I like being able to do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I can change plans at the last second if the whim strikes me. When I’m by myself, I feel like I see more and experience more because I’m focused on my surroundings rather than on the person I’m with. I also meet more people when I’m on my own, and that enhances the trip. I’ve traveled with friends, and then it’s kind of like I’m dragging part of home around with me in a bubble that shuts out the rest of the world, while traveling alone makes me really feel like I’m in a foreign setting.
Have a great trip. If you feel lonely, look for a group of Australians. They seem to be a nation of travelers, so you’ll almost always find a few Aussies in big tourist spots, and they’re generally great about absorbing others into their group. You don’t even have to approach them. Just stand nearby, and next thing you know, you’ll be the best of friends with them.
I think there are different kinds of pleasures in different kinds of trips and traveling experiences. I kind of feel sorry for people who can’t stand to travel alone, because I think you do miss out on some of those unforgettable memories of meeting people you wouldn’t otherwise meet, of experiencing your own independence in an unfamiliar environment (what a confidence builder!), and of knowing the difference between being alone and lonely.
What I remember most from my trips with others are the shared experiences, but what I remember most from my trips alone are the places and the people in those locations — a much different memory set. Neither is superior, but each is unique and important to me.
Hmmm….I don’t know about moving to Alaska. I’d love to visit it one day though.
I’ve never had a problem doing things like shopping, going to movies, flea markets, etc…alone. It’s the traveling abroad part that always left me in a pickle. I love to travel…love love love it but somehow ended up letting others decide when that was going to happen. Waiting for Mr. Right to do it was subconscious more than anything else. I always envisioned myself going to Paris with some big stud. Waiting for my friends was more conscious. I guess I wanted company. In the process though, I forgot to live and let others decide when I would see the world. My own fault.
I am excited though…and can’t wait to post about the hopefully life changing experience on my blog.
I should look for Australians, huh? Will do!
I took my first solo trip for precisely the reasons you describe – I was tired of waiting for my friends to make the decision to join me. My first trip was on a single share on a Carribean cruise and I had an awesome time. My next solo trip was to Mexico (and I even took the bus from Tijuana to Rosarito, which was quite interesting and slightly scary).
Travelling on my own taught me a lot about myself and was very empowering.
Have a great trip, stay smart and stay safe!
Congrats on your upcoming trip, I’m sure it will be awesome. I’ve travelled alone on four continents, and never regretted it, and there’s one major advantage – if you don’t make contact with other people, you will spend your trip entirely alone. It’s a good motivator to open up and meet strangers.
OMG – I had no idea you were planning such a fabulous trip, Daniela!! Have a fantastic time!! I’m incredibly jealous of your strength and go-get-em for going on your own. I know you’ll have a great time.
(and Alaska’s always been on my dream vacation list, too, so I’m now doubly jealous, LOL!)
In my single days, I spent a week alone in New York, seeing all the sights I wanted to see (many of which were bookstores), and I spent ten days backpacking around Costa Rica. Trust me, you will be an entirely different person when you come back. People will be amazed. And jealous.
I’ve never had a problem going to the movies alone. I think I’ve seen every film Hugh Grant has ever made that way!
I went to Denmark alone when I was 21. I won a NATO essay contest and went in the summer of 1988. Because it was cheaper to fly on like, a Thursday, I spent the first couple of days alone in a youth hostel. The youth hostel was very nice, and it was pretty easy for me to explore a little bit of Copenhagen alone. I did have a couple of incidents, though. I massively overpacked, and so, lugging all my junk around on the bus really marked me as a tourist, and at that time, I know I gave off the “naive and vulnerable vibe,” because I always attracted the nuts. Anyway, some guy who seemed to be either Turkish or Italian latched onto me. I wasn’t sure where the hostel was, and ended up getting off the bus in the park, kind of far away from where I was supposed to be. He wanted me to go back to his apartment with him; I was not that stupid. So he followed me through this park and ended up grabbing me, telling me “I love you,” over and over again. You know, I would have thought I would have been scared (there was no one around, and an overgrown, unused bus stop nearby), but really he just made me mad, so I ended up pretty much pulling him along (with my huge suitcase) until he gave up. Once I got to the youth hostel, my conservative Christian self was amazed to see these huge posters of condoms everywhere, and when you checked in, they gave you a couple. I soon met this Algerian guy and I was amazed at how much high school French I remembered. Then, at a certain point, it dawned on me that he wanted to use his condoms. He even told me he had a fiancee in Algeria. Her name was something like Basema(th). I asked him what she would think of his behavior, and he said, “she would understand that I have needs.” I finally got rid of him, too, and avoided him like the plague. This situation was not a big surprise, because I was dating a Sudanese guy at the time, and he told me that a lot of Arab men traveling in Europe think that American girls are easy, and use their travels as an excuse to do a lot of things that they can’t do back home. After those 2 days, things improved. I met up with my group and really had a great time. We stayed in what used to be a Nazi base (creepy), but was then used as a headquarters for the Danish royal guard. I saw a sea for the first time. We toured a bunch of castles. I got to experience daylight at midnight. We drank a lot of “Jolly Cola,” and pretty much fought over real Coke. There were Danes, Germans, Australians, Brits, Americans, Dutch, Norwegians and Luxembourgians. I was the oldest American, and a teetotaler, but the American guys on the tour were so thrilled that they could drink legally that they tended to drink too much–which was embarassing, really. The Germans drank a lot, too. The Brits and Aussies were absolutely hilarious. I learned all about our NATO partnership and defense plans, and that people who lived closer to the USSR were not as blase about these things as I was. Then, of course, in little over a year, the Soviet Union fell and the world reorganized some. It was a wonderful experience and I am so glad I got to do it. I am also SOOOOOO glad you are going on your trip. You know, I think you will get more out of it going on your own. You’ll get to visit the places you want, do the shopping you want (or don’t), and be alone with your thoughts in historically significant places (which is soooooo wonderful). Believe me when I say, it’s fun to do those things with a husband, but you always have to accommodate and compromise (he does, too), so, well, I haven’t been able to absorb places emotionally, the way I used to when I was single. I hope you have a fantastic time–and blog about your adventures!
Good on you! Love the post title by the way
Have a wonderful time – I’m sure you’ll never regret it!!
What?
You delayed the pure joy of trekking around Europe solo?
You’re crazy, girl!!
Okay, I’ve traveled solo
and I’ve traveled with the hubby.
I love the hubby,
I truly do,
and I now travel almost exclusively
with him
but it is compromise.
Last time we were in Paris,
I wanted to spend the day at the Louvre.
Him?
He lasted an hour.
AN HOUR!
And he only lasted that long
because he loves me.
I just came back from a 10 day vacation.
3 of those days were spent
looking at resale cars
we’ll never, ever buy
(because we were half a world away
from home).
A few months ago,
I wanted to have tea
at the Pump Room
(yes, the one in all those Regency novels).
Well, you can imagine
the hubby’s reaction to that.
(Grinning)
Enjoy YOUR vacation
because that is what it will be,
YOUR vacation.
My first real solo trip was also my first trip overseas – last year, to the Mills and Boon author lunch.
We couldn’t afford for all of us to go, and I knew the dh would be bored out of his mind…so off I went. I stayed with a friend, met authors, wandered through London…it was fabulous. I had SUCH a good time. But then…the thought of going alone didn’t bother me at all.
Then again, on my grade 9 trip to Quebec City, I was the one that wandered the Plains of Abraham alone while the rest of the class went shopping. LOL
After graduation I bought a plane ticket to Europe to backpack around for about two months. Then I met this really incredible man. We really hit it off… which was great, but I got nervous about being gone for so long. New hot relationship, then add an extended absence, not so good. But I decided I needed to go, so I told the hot guy – your great, your wonderful, your everything I have been looking for, but I gotta go to Europe. He was surprisingly supportive, having done the same thing himself – he just asked that I send him postcards. So I did. When I came home he surprised me at airport with flowers. Now 12 years later we have traveled all over four continents together, and have two great children – who also travel exceedingly well – Good for you and happy travels!
i truly wish you a fantastic trip and i can empathise with you in lots of ways in terms of finding mr right and also relying on friends. i spent the best week in nyc in 2001, i was alone but made so many friends.
years down the line i am married which has had its ups and downs and i am trying to sort out the my fairytale expectations in exchange for something deeper and also dealing with the reality that we are in debt for the next four years and we cant afford to take our young son on holidays so if you can live your dream to travel now do it, embrace each day and all of us that read your blog are sending you love and lots of beautiful wishes….
Bravo for you, Daniela. Many moons ago, when I was in my mid-twenties, I had a similar revelation. I dreamed of a romantic trip to England and Ireland, but no Mr. Right presented himself. So I recruited a couple of girlfriends. Initially enthusiastic, they both suddenly found other things to do – one needed the money to go to grad school, the other’s boyfriend didn’t like the idea of her traveling without him. In a burst of insane stubbornness, I went on the trip anyway. I was scared to death – I’d never traveled alone and I’d never even been on a plane.
It was the best thing I ever did. Making that journey alone gave me all sorts of confidence to do other things in life. But also, you will meet so many nice people when you travel alone! When you travel as part of a group, you stay with your friends, reading your maps and guidebooks together and not really interacting with “the natives.” Because I was alone, I sometimes had to ask for help from strangers – and that can be a really fun thing. A very sexy guy from Singapore helped me find my hotel, a sweet little old lady from Ireland took me under her wing when I rode the night train from London to Wales, and a great girl from Canada became my good buddy during the ferry ride to Dun Laoghaire. I never would have met any of those folks if I’d traveled as part of a group.
So enjoy your independence and enjoy this chance to really experience the world around you. All those friends who stayed behind will envy you!
Good for you! Being 36, I’ve had these notions myself. I mostly manage to travel with other people or meet them at a destination. But I put it out there to other friends who are likely to go, then I add to their trip. But when I want to go somewhere, I do.
When you’re on your trip, think about your life. When you get back, take a goal setting seminar. They help talk you through how to set goals you want to achieve. Then you can choose whether or not to achieve those goals and what your obstacles are. Much like this where you learned your obstacle was allowing other people to choose for you.
I second the notion about looking for Aussies abroad. I did the 1 month Eurail, mostly with a friend from Oslo, but for a couple days on my own, and having the friend was great, but did provide the bubble from home. I did a trip to Austria (Check out Innsbruck too! great fluffy duvets!) and Italy with my HS chorus (not alone!), Spain with my brother and good friend, Greece meeting up with a friend who traveled solo for 2 years, Italy meeting up with a friend temporarily housed there, etc… So I got to/from places alone which I think is the scariest part. But very, very empowering.
Remember to take two separate stashes of cash and credit/ATM cards. Xerox them all before you go and leave a copy with someone trustworthy and available back home. You don’t need the neck pouch if you have a substantial purse that you pay attention to. Or you can use one or a money belt AND keep the second stash in the purse. Keep it closed with your hand on the opening when on busses and local trains. You can be more lax on distance trains.
On those homesick days where you just want easy food that tastes normal, channel calvin and hobbes, “Another day, another mind boggling adventure!” And enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.
Oh, and figuring out that single people at restaurants eat at the bar was a GREAT epiphany. You get to watch the bartender show, the TV, and/or talk with other people.
And unless traveling, and sometimes even then, I’ve realized I purely hate taking public transit on my own. I’ll do it, but under protest. I prefer to watch movies with someone else, but don’t let not having a partner or friend to go with stop me from seeing one. But my biggest epiphany in this regard was that I didn’t want to get married, I wanted to throw a great party. I’m still hoping to throw a great party, but in the meantime, I found the BEST stainless flatware, that I would have registered for, and just bought it. I use it every day and love it every day. And didn’t let not being married stop me from getting expensive spoons.
Congrats on your upcoming trip! I visited Vienna in 93 and loved it. Was there for 10 days, trekked the city, visited the museums and churches, toured the catacombs beneath St. Stefan’s. Wonderful, wonderful trip. Just this summer my daughter got tired of waiting for her friends to take a trip with her and asked me! We flew to Venice and cruised the Mediterranean touring the Greek Isles! What a blast we had, just the two of us. One thing I’ve learned, time doesn’t wait for us, it marches on. Go for your dreams now.
Scarlet Pumpernickel