by Maverick
There are very few things I love more than falling in love with a compelling romance novel hero. The best ones are always bigger than life. They’re aggressive, dominating, devilishly handsome, more than a little arrogant, and….(*sigh*)….totally, completely, obsessively in love with me. Er…I mean the heroine. And it seems like the badder they are, the better we love them.
It’s a funny thing, because before I started dating, I believed that the best real relationships were modeled after those in romances. I compared the guys around me to romance novel heroes, and needless to say I was single for a long time. But when I actually started getting into serious relationships, I was shocked and amazed to find that the qualities that made me fall for romance heroes were not the same ones that make me fall for real guys. And now that I’ve had some experience living with a boyfriend, I realize that some of my favorite alpha-male traits would be impossible to live with in real life.
They’re richer than Croesus. I admit that I love it when the hero is wealthy. And it’s very rare to find one who isn’t. From my head to my horribly unenlightened toes, I am absolutely thrilled by the fantasy of a rich, powerful, gorgeous prince taking me away from my mundane life and sweeping me off to a world of glamour, romance, and luxury.
In real life, I’ve found that dating wealthy guys can be fun, but I’m actually much more comfortable with men who make about as much as I do. There’s no tension about money then. I don’t feel like I’m taking advantage because he always gets the tab, and I don’t worry that his friends think I’m a gold-digger. When living with a guy, I like it when I contribute financially as much as he does. It feels like we’re building a life together—and that I’m more than just along for the ride.
They’re arrogant and dominating. My favorite romance novel heroes dominate every relationship they’re in. They’re natural leaders, they take what they want, and they don’t take “no” for an answer. In some of my all-time favorite novels, the hero treats the heroine like a spirited horse he’s trying to break—and at the end, she’s under saddle. This may be why I tend to like historicals, where the social context of the period makes this more permissible. In contemporaries, the hero can come off like a jerk if he’s too dominating toward the heroine.
In real life, this doesn’t look like a healthy relationship to me. I couldn’t live with a guy who expects to call all the shots. Power struggles of the sort that happen in romance wouldn’t be sexy, spark-showering events for me. They’d be deal-breakers.
They’re sometimes just this side of abusive. Successful romance novel heroes do their fair share of manhandling the heroine—I love a good sexy wrestling scene—and dishing out tough love. Some heroes even get away with rape, which is something that’s always made me uncomfortable. But still, I surprise myself that I’m sometimes willing to let him get away with it—if the book as a whole works for me.
One of the first romance novels I read was Judith McNaught’s Whitney My Love. This book is pure old-school, and its hero, Clayton, is unabashedly alpha. He’s rich, gorgeous, and extremely dominating. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that not only is there a rape scene, but also an actual spanking scene. Still, I read this book when I was fourteen years old and I loved every word.
Obviously, rape is a one-strike-and-you’re-out deal in any real relationship. And if any guy seriously tried to spank me—not in a sexy context but to “teach me a lesson”—well, that relationship would be over. Right after I stopped laughing hysterically.
They’re promiscuous. There’s a bit of a trend lately for virgin heroes, and I have to say it stops my interest cold as soon as I see one. I love heroes who are unashamed girl-magnet womanizers. There is something irresistible about the idea of a guy who could have any woman under the sun—who has probably had every woman under the sun—but just one got under his skin. And that one is me (I mean the heroine!). Even better when she did it not by any feminine wiles she possesses, but simply by being herself—which is why I still prefer inexperienced heroines, as well. Inexperienced heroines have no game; they have to be loved for themselves.
In real life, it seems likely to me that the promiscuous guy who falls for the ingénue will probably eventually fall out of love with her. Not to overgeneralize, but most of the guys I knew who were extremely promiscuous were sexual thrill-seekers of some sort or another. Admittedly, I haven’t known very many. But I don’t think it’s likely that these guys could remain happily monogamous forever. When the “thrills” of an intense new romance settle into more sedate companionship, will he start to look for something more exciting? In a romance novel, never: true love is forever. But in real life, I’d prefer to take my chances with guys whose histories aren’t too colorful.
I admit that some of the qualities that attract me to romance novel heroes also attract me to real men. I love guys who are natural leaders; my boyfriend is a schoolteacher, and you have to be a leader in that career to succeed. I believe in love at first sight, and I’m a sucker for a handsome face and a nice body. And, inexplicably, I prefer tall guys—even though I’m 5’3”. But I’ve also realized that some of the qualities I love in my fantasies don’t belong in reality. I love romance novel heroes, and I always will. But I don’t think I’d love to live with one.
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To answer your question — gads, no! LOL! I agree with most of what you said above, and will add that the very qualities which make a romance and its characters interesting, even fascinating, are just the qualities I don’t want in my real life. “Interesting” means someone has a heck of a problem, or maybe a whole bunch of them, and I like my life to be pleasantly boring, thanks much.
Even if he’s your basic nice guy — which is rare — look at how often the heroes have dangerous professions, or otherwise fall into trouble on an appallingly regular basis. I respect people who can deal with being married to cops or soldiers or whatever (the ones married to spies probably don’t know [wry smile]), but I couldn’t do it.
Having to always worry and wonder whether he’s coming home would kill me. My husband is a professional computer geek and even when he was going out on raids to do some on-site computer forensics, they had him waiting like a mile or so back until the site was completely secure — which was fine with both him and me.
An aside — Whitney My Love is one of my favorite romances too.
Clayton is a major jerk for a while in that one, but his “Oh. My. God. I so messed up!!” scene was just perfect and absolutely worth the time I spent snarling at him. [evil cackle]
Angie
I don’t think I could fall for a guy like some of the romance heros. I’ll have to look for Whitney My Love. I don’t think I ever read that one. Of course I could have and just forgot.
:shock:Actually, the men I admire in real life and in Romance novels are the same - wise, kindhearted, strong but gentle, boyishly handsome, hardworking, good sense of humor, not promiscuous before or after the relationship, brave, loyal. The Romance hero you described gets the novel thrown against the wall the first page he steps into it.:wink:
But, I guess that’s why there are so many different Romance novels out there!
[...] I’ve read a myriad of posts on the subject over the last several months. The latest is over on RtB. It seems to be a fairly common sort of opinion. And really, how many of us drew some of our expectations about relationships from what we read in romance novels? Yeah I know, you all secretly want to raise your hands. [...]
I fell in love twenty years ago with a guy who could have walked right out of a romance novel. Tall, dark, and gorgeous, he was as complicated as any romance hero could have been. He was a cowboy in Colorado when I married him, and now he’s active-duty military serving in the US Air Force.
We’ve raised two sons, and have lived a life filled with excitement, passion, adventure, and love. We’ve traveled the world together, and we aren’t even close to finished exploring what life has to offer. In a couple of months, we’re moving to Alaska to begin a whole new adventure.
Yes, he can be moody, and life can get complicated sometimes. But–like a character in a recent movie I watched said, “Life should be a little nuts. Otherwise, it’s nothing but a bunch of Thursdays strung together.” I don’t want Thursdays; life’s too short. I’ll keep my romance hero, thank you very much.
You haven’t described what I consider a romance hero (I’m an anti-alpha fan) so no, I’m not interested in being in the same room with him, much less living with him.
Heroic attributes I look for are kindness, sense of humor, bravery, passion (for all aspects of life), intelligence, creativity, and most importantly, respect. And yes, I married him.
Well, actually yeah, I do want the kind of man I read about in books. But then that also depends on the kind of books being read.
The man I married is an alpha. He’s strong, dependable, a leader, honest, kind, decent, passionate and would never hurt me. He will always be there for me, and would never just up and leave me. If the situation ever arose, I know he would defend me if need be. And I know he’s capable of it. He may not be mega-wealthy, but he takes care of us and our home just fine. We have all we need.
Because I choose to be in a D/s relationship I have no problem choosing to submit to him because he’s a worthy husband for me to submit to. I trust him completely. He’s a true alpha in my book. I wouldn’t submit to just any old guy. He’s also pretty good looking if I do say so myself.
I don’t read books where the hero abuses the heroine whether it’s physically or emotionally. I don’t find that romantic or sexy at all.
I can’t say better what Lisa and Kacie J described above, so I’ll just say I agree with their descriptions 100%
I married an alpha (a cop), but there is a HUGE difference between being alpha and just being an a$$. I can’t stress that enough. And there’s also a huge difference between fictional alpha heroes and the ones that exist in real life. That said, it boils down to how well the author writes and how fully she develops their characters. I have to understand them.
My husband and I are the polar opposites of eachother, which is perfect because we keep eachother in check. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I married somebody with a personality similar to mine, but I have a feeling it would be way too chaotic. My husband and I have a fantastic marriage/friendship/partnership that thrives on the balance that we bring eachother and I wouldn’t have it any other way
Maverick wrote: I was shocked and amazed to find that the qualities that made me fall for romance heroes were not the same ones that make me fall for real guys.
This is interesting, and I suppose it supports the theory that we read for the fantasy–the escapism. My dh is an alpha, a quiet alpha, and yeah, can be challenging at times, but can’t we all?
I think the inherent difference between alpha hero and alpha a$$ is the ‘hero’ element. People all too often confuse alpha with overbearing, arrogant, unpleasant, etc. A true alpha exhibits the characteristics we all love in our lifemates–honesty, integrity, loyalty, strength, kindness, dependability, passion etc., and above all the ability to provide and make you feel wanted, safe and secure.
And finally the secret as to why I have a hard time selling my books. I don’t write the alpha heroes and unfortunately that is what publishers want…at least the ones I’ve been in contact with. I love a good alpha hero story if it’s done right but I can’t write about them it isn’t in my nature.
I always write about the personality I admire. Alpha doesn’t mean jerk to me. To me it means confident, and strong. Strong enough to put someone else first while still maintaining a sense of self. Someone comfortable in their own skin with a clear compass of what’s important to them. they may have angst about handling a relationship, but I don’t want to doubt that.
I like books that reflect a mature mindset on the part of the H&H. IOW, people ready for a relationship. They can have issues to over come, but pretty much I want them to be capable of handling it when it comes. I tend not to relate to books where the hero is too needy or too dominant. In both cases I tend to have this persistent need to hand the heroine a 2X4 to apply to the hero’s head so he can find the balance he lacks. *wry grin*
Reading the comments, yay for alphas!
I’m an alpha female happily married to an alpha male.
Yes, my hubby push, push, pushes
(one of the traits of an alpha)
but I need that push
’cause I’d run right over anyone else.
About the romance hero,
well, no, they often aren’t men I’d date in real life.
Actually it is almost impossible to date them in real life ’cause they’re contradictions.
Wealthy people are often wealthy because they’re super successful.
Super successful people work hard.
And hard workers don’t have time to sleep around.
A contradiction, sort of like the romance executive who isn’t good with people.
Impossible to get to the executive level (or build a company) without being good with people.
I’m with Kacie J an Lisa and Kimber Chin - I’m married to an alpha, but I’m a fairly alpha female (I prefer to say I have a “forceful personality”) so it works, and when I need to be submissive, I can be because I know he’s a man worthy of it who won’t abuse my vulnerability. Or something like that.
I also agree we read for escapism - my favorite male characters are the torn, shades of gray kind of guys, not the upstanding straight-laced alpha heros.
Hmm. I could never fall for a romance hero (although they are fun to read). I want someone who I would feel safe and somfortable with, and I could never feel that way with that kind of guy.
I don’t know that I could live with a romance hero — I have a great husband, who’s not alpha, but not beta either, somewhere in the middle. He doesn’t dominate, and he doesn’t just give in either. It’s a nice balance.
I just wish there were more romances (that I could find) about heroes that were mechanics or cab drivers or insurance salsemen… Not every hot guy has to be ex-military.
“I just wish there were more romances (that I could find) about heroes that were mechanics or cab drivers or insurance salesmen… Not every hot guy has to be ex-military.”
Or rich. I’m so very tired of reading about rich romance heroes. I love romance, but I have no interest in the fairy tale aspects. Nor do I need to read characters that are larger than life. Fortunately for me there are still a few romance writers who can make the ordinary extraordinary.
Barbara — touche’