(With apologies to Tami Cowden)
Setting: Community Center Rec Room. Institutional cream walls, blackboards, public safety posters advocating seatbelt wearing and VD testing. There’s a circle of folding chairs front and center.
Eight men enter, take their seats. The CHIEF takes the position in the center, while the BAD BOY splays nearby, his legs spread, his feet up on another chair. The PROFESSOR arrives without anyone noticing, and carefully observes the others. The SWASHBUCKLER strides in and drops a rucksack near his chair but does not sit. It makes a mysterious clinking sound on the ground, one that does not go unnoticed by the PROFESSOR. The CHARMER arrives, hair mussed and satisfied smile on his face, and proceeds to lounge in his chair as if it’s a suede recliner. The WARRIOR enters at his heels, his steps careful and purposeful. He takes the seat facing the door and turns his chair around, sitting astride it, his eyes scanning the room for any danger. The LOST SOUL leans against the blackboard, arms folded across his chest, either too cool for school or unwilling to admit that the BAD BOY is using his seat for a footrest. Concerned, the BEST FRIEND offers to unfold another chair.
CHIEF: Okay, men, we know why we’re here tonight.
BAD BOY: Yeah, because you dragged us in.
While the BAD BOY’s attention is diverted, the LOST SOUL swipes his seat back. The BAD BOY loses his balance and falls on the floor. The SWASHBUCKLER nods in appreciation of the move, and the CHARMER laughs. The BAD BOY leaps to his feet.
BAD BOY: You’re in trouble now, dude… (He pushes his overlong hair out of his face.)
LOST SOUL: Stop honing in on my territory, man. I got tortured covered.
The BEST FRIEND looks at the WARRIOR, who takes the hint and stands. He places his hand heavily on the BAD BOY’s shoulder.
WARRIOR: We promised, not tonight. (He looks at the CHIEF and nods for him to continue.)
The BAD BOY, still hot under the collar, glares at the LOST SOUL, who coldly returns the look. There will clearly be a fight later.
CHIEF: (almost holding back a sigh) As I said, there has been some concern raised recently that some of us—I won’t name names—haven’t been getting their fair share of work. Have, perhaps, been a little less popular with the audience.
BAD BOY: (rolling his eyes) So it’s my fault some of you are losers?
CHARMER: We don’t all get series named after us, okay? (adding under his breath) Even if we deserve it.
PROFESSOR: (speaking for the first time) “Loser” is not the appropriate term. Our popularity has always been cyclical, and it’s my belief that— (he pauses, noticing that the WARRIOR, LOST SOUL, and BAD BOY are huddled together, heads bent) Excuse me? What are you doing?
The WARRIOR covers his mouth with his hand, and tucks his lips over his teeth.
WARRIOR: Nothing. Sorry. Continue.
SWASHBUCKLER: (peering into the group) Were those fangs? Are you guys passing around fangs? Right in front of us?
CHIEF: Oh, you didn’t get your set of fangs? That’s curious. I can’t imagine what might have happened to them. (He shuffles a set of papers and looks away.)
BEST FRIEND: See? This is exactly what I’m talking about. If there were just a little more communication going on around here, we could avoid these awkward moments. Perhaps a discussion about why only some of us get fangs…
WARRIOR: (smirking and showing a flash of sharp canines) Maybe it’s because only some of us have bite.
BEST FRIEND: Whatever. I just know that all I’ve been hearing recently from heroines is, “Can’t we just be friends?” And she’s not talking about taking my last name in marriage, folks. Times are tough. For Pete’s sake, in chick lit, I’m almost always gay!
SWASHBUCKLER: (filing his nails with a spare spear point) But when you’re not, you do get the girl. I never get a chick lit heroine.
CHARMER: Neither do I. It’s such a crock. I do everything for those girls, and in the end, they always up and leave me for… well, him, usually. (He gestures to the CHIEF.)
EVERYONE ELSE: Get in line.
CHIEF: (clearing his throat) Getting back to the subject at hand. I’d like to see some ideas about what we can do to correct this imbalance. Just throw them out, and I’ll listen.
LOST SOUL: (under his breath) How magnanimous of you.
BEST FRIEND: (raises hand) I’d like to strike the term “Beta” from the lexicon.
BAD BOY: (snickering) That’s because it sounds like “bottom.”
BEST FRIEND: (clenches his hand into a fist) Don’t make me act out of character, man.
CHARMER: I agree. Just because some of us choose to use our brains rather than our fists… (He casts a sideways glance at the WARRIOR, who is absorbed in testing out the strength of his new fangs.)
PROFESSOR: Make that three of us. But what I really want to talk about is working together. I really feel like there is space for us all if we just think outside the one dimension. (He turns to the SWASHBUCKLER.) We’ve worked wonderfully in the past.
SWASHBUCKLER: (looking nostalgic) Right. Indiana. I’d almost forgotten. Hardly ever get to use whips anymore. That snake thing was all you, though.
CHIEF: Can’t be done. Not entirely. Someone’s always got to be in charge.
LOST SOUL: I agree. It’s a fantasy that there are group projects. It just seems that way if you pay attention to job titles rather than personality. (He gestures to the SWASHBUCKLER.) Even in Indiana, everyone knew it was all about Mr. Thrill-seeker over here.
PROFESSOR: (somewhat ruffled) That’s not true.
The SWASHBUCKLER becomes fascinated with his scabbard, then realizes that this may mean he has to take responsibility for the “snake thing.” But before he can speak…
(offstage) The HEROINE screams.
HEROINE: (offstage) Help me!
Everyone leaps to his feet, except for the LOST SOUL, who seems to have no desire to save the HEROINE. However, appearances can be deceiving. The SWASHBUCKLER is the first to the window.
SWASHBUCKLER: Finally, a little action! I’ll show you people how it’s done. (He fires a grappling hook out the window, attaches a line to his belt, and repels off.)
The WARRIOR tests the strength of the line, then begins to slowly hand-over-hand it away.
CHARMER: (to the CHIEF) Can you give me a lift? Your car’s so much faster.
CHIEF: You’ll only slow me down.
LOST SOUL: (aside) I bet I can sneak into his trunk without him noticing.
The CHIEF relents, and he and the CHARMER leave with the LOST SOUL hot on their tail.
During the conversation, the PROFESSOR has accessed the situation, and built himself a flying jet pack out of two folding chairs, a felt tip pen, three chalkboard erasers and a flyer advertising Tai Chi lessons for seniors. He waves at the remaining men and takes off.
BEST FRIEND: Aren’t you going?
BAD BOY: (chuckling) I’ll wait ‘til those bozos screw up, then make a go of it.
BEST FRIEND: I walked here, so I’ll never make it to her before they do. (He looks despondent for a moment, then shrugs it off.) Still there’s room enough for all of us. We can always take turns, right?
BAD BOY: Only if her name is Anita.
No related posts.
OMG, that last line was a killer. Brilliantly done, Diana!
Snork!
Excellent!!!
Oh I like this LOL. Loved that last line
Hysterical.
And I STILL don’t like the Best Friend.
hee hee
Love, love, love the lessons behind the story.
Is it just me
or do other people sing that
Romancing The Stone song
http://lyricstrue.net/bandsongtext/Grant_Eddy/Romancing_the_Stone.html
when they visit this blog?
I’m romancing the blog,
never leaving your poor heart alone
Every night and every day….
Brilliant, Diana! Love it!
*snort*
You nailed it, darlin. And what a great example of archetypes put into…errr…real life examples.
Professor: (sighing, then chuckling, he leans back against the wall) Idiots. That’s only Scarlet in her group therapy session.
The Professor pulls out a technical manuel for the F-16 Tomcat and reads, walking along. A hand reaches out from a linen closet and jerks him inside for a quickie.
Professor: Mrs. Professor! You’re insatible!
That was great!
But damn… it’s easy to see… I’m a chief girl. Although the professor was definitely a close second
The only thing that could possibly be more fun is letting us peek at the 12-step meeting for the 16 Villain Archetypes, also according to Tami Cowden.
They could pass Anita around, too.
HAHAHAHA, awesome.
Me, I hear Eddy Grant’s voice (which is a complete turn-on for some reason) everytime I visit. “I’m romancing the blog,
never leaving your poor heart alone
Every night and every day….”
Great post, a lot of fun. Clever.
Wonderful! Enjoyed your characterizations … especially the professor …
Very cute! Nice job, Diana.
OMG I LOVED that!! Excellent stuff!
Fantastic post, Diana.
Very funny. And like Dr. S, I loved the last line.
Great post, Diana!
That was awesome!!! You made it easy to see each type and in such a fun way.
I agree with Kerry Allen…I’d love to see it done in the vilian archetypes.
It’s wrong, so wrong, but it feels so right. LOL! Thanks for the morning laugh.
Funny!
Gwyneth
Thanks, guys! Since I woke up at four am to fly across the country, it was nice to sign on and see that people enjoyed it.
Maybe I’ll do villains next time?
I *love* the best friend! And the Professor. YUM. But my favorite is the Swashbuckler, What can I say? It’s a Han Solo thing.
The other patrons at Port City Java are casting worried glances at the old man giggling over his laptop in the corner.
I laughed out loud at Anita…now the center of attention at Panera…
Ah — this is one of the best things I’ve seen in a long time! Bravo Diana … I needed a chuckle
Loved it!
That was great! Thanks for the laugh.
Han Solo. *sigh* Even as a small child I was always a Han kind of girl (never a Luke girl).
Funny, I was a Luke girl…but I’m no-go on the Best Friend archetype. Maybe he’s a lost soul at heart. That guy…prrrrr. But most of my heroes are Chiefs.
Awesome job, Diana!
That was awesome! But the Best Friend got short shrift. If he were a real best friend, he would’ve either been a) right next to her, getting in trouble with her, or b) haring off as soon as he heard, able to tell from the pitch of the scream whether she broke a fingernail or whether she was being raped.
But then I’m partial to the Best Friend.
That punch line was inspired, though. Egad. I think I broke something laughing.
Fantastic stuff Diana!
I was a Luke girl. I saw Star Wars three times in the theatre when it first came out. I wanted to marry Luke Skywalker. My brother even had a friend who looked just like that. Oh, how I crushed on him big time!
I watched “When Star Wars Ruled the World” on the Jetblue VH1 today, so I think I have Han Solo on the brain.
I’m partial to the best friend, too Candy, and you know what? I think you’re right, Maybe we’ll have to do an epilogue…
LOL, Love it! =)
Wonderful!!!!
who is anita?
Nan…Anita Blake.
Vivi Anna…I hate to admit this…no, actually, I don’t, but I saw Star Wars in the theater over 100 times when it first came out. I was a total junkie. Of course, I was also 11.
Met Mark Hamill many years later when he was on Broadway. Still cute and very, very nice.
[...] 4. Know Your Archetypes If you didn’t see the recent Romancing the Blog post on archetypes, you’re missing out. Archetypes are around because we recognize them. They are great pigeonholes for characters, and once you understand what archetype your character is channeling you can apply the electrodes to make them jump. [...]
Maybe it was just me, but I heard the Indiana Jones theme mixed with the McGyver theme. Of course Professor looked like Russell Johnson from Gilligans Island. Excuse me, I just had surgery, and I think I’m hallucinating from the drugs still….
LOL–this was awesome. I’m so printing it out and slipping it into the pages of one of my character books!
I LOVED it to put it mildly!!! They can only take turns with Anita if they bring baby wipes.
B-a-a-a-a-d author… no cookie!
LKH is a *great* example of why archetypes aren’t enough to carry characterization or plot.
The bad boy waiting until everyone screws up and then having a go, that’s great. This is really precise characterizations. I’ll be taking this into account for my children stories, although fitting the right animal character will be tough. Hey, why isn’t there a “goofball” who’s immature and bumbling. Isn’t he the one who’s lately been getting the girl?
Thanks for this post. Good stuff.
That was hillarious–especially that last line. I have to say, I’m the lost soul type myself…