By Eileen Rendahl / Literary Chicks
You know when a telemarketer calls and there’s that pause between when you say hello and they realize that they’ve actually got a person on the line and talk to you? When that happens, I like to yell, “Baxter? Baxter, is that you? Bark twice if you’re in Milwaukee!” If you’ve never seen Anchorman, you won’t get that joke. I, on the other hand, crack myself up with it every time.
I also think David Sedaris is excruciatingly funny. I read Naked and almost died while reading about him licking the light switches in his second grade classroom. My sister read it and thought it was sad. “There are medications for that,” she said, tears in her eyes. “His own mother was more interested in making fun of him than she was in helping him.”
Needless to say, she’s much nicer than me. My sense of humor and I are just the sconchiest bit on the mean side. For instance, that commercial where one guy tells the other that his phone has theft protection and then whips the phone at the other guy’s head to prove it? Oh. My. God. Too too funny.
The one with the weird guy dressed in white, flashing V signs with his fingers and hawking Volkswagens? Not so much. Maybe if they were a little meaner. Or maybe I just need a different kind of mean.
Clearly, humor is subjective. Mention the Three Stooges in mixed company and you will find an immediate division between who thinks Curly represents the pinnacle of classic humor and those who would just as soon let Mo poke out their eyes than watch one of those movies.
So what’s a supposedly funny girl to do?
When my agent was sending out my first chick lit manuscript, she told me she thought I had an excellent eye for the absurd. I told her that if that was true, it was only because my own life was so darn ridiculous.
It’s true. It is. I have a loving, but seriously flakey, family. My sister once ordered “Eggs Any Style” at IHOP. Seriously, she asked the waitress for the Any Style Eggs. A few weeks ago, on the very day an article about me ran in The Sacramento Bee, I ran face first into a real bee and had my lip swell up to grotesque proportions. My other sister was exchanging e-mails with a new beau about movies they liked or disliked. Due to some typos, instead of telling her “You’re right. It was inane”, he sent her an e-mail that said “Your right tit was inane.” I mean, please, who could make this stuff up?
On the other hand, some people didn’t think the bee thing was funny and started advising me about carrying epi pens in case I was allergic. While I was laughing, they were concerned that I might stop breathing. My sister does NOT think the Any Style story is funny and if she figures out that I posted it here is likely to exact revenge of some sort. My other sister, on the other hand, thinks we should consult her left tit on serious questions since it’s clearly her more serious mammary gland.
Anyway, this is the stuff that cracks me up. It’s the stuff of my life which is peopled with quirky characters and everyday adventures. Since it’s what I find funny, it’s what I put in my books.
That’s my point. Trying to be funny is hard work. Trying to find humor that will please everyone is impossible. Like so much else in this business, you have to trust your instincts. Tell the stories that make you laugh, cry or shake with terror. Just don’t expect everyone to laugh, cry or shake with you.
Meanwhile, my fiancé has dared me to ask the next telemarketer who calls what he or she is wearing. I haven’t gotten up the nerve to do it yet, but I’m pretty sure than when I do, it’ll be really funny.
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OH Man LOL!! I thought the Bee thing was funny. My friends all say I have a twisted sense of humor. The Eggs any style is hilarious too. Things I find funny are pretty quirky. I found a blog and I was reading it out loud to my best friend and my hubby. I became conscious of a distinct lack of laughter. Oh well. I thought it was funny.
I usually work the crossword puzzle right after dinner. One night, when a telemarketer interrupted me, I asked them to tell me a 12-letter word for phone call annoyance. I even spotted them the “t” and they didn’t get it. That might have been funny only to me, but I enjoyed myself.
Thank you! You started my day off so well. I loved the inane consultations.
Humor is what gets me through the day. If you can’t laugh at yourself (or anyone else) than what’s the point?!! Everyone at work knows that I will “go there”. I am not afraid to say something totally outrageous–I love to stir things up! I’m never mean, but I do enjoy being funny. I have one friend at work that I take serious pleasure in trying to make him laugh. And I am proud to say that I am fairly successful! (Extra points if he is drinking something and has to run to the bathroom so he doesn’t spit it out all over the rest of us in the breakroom!) All I can say is that if you drive a bus for a living, your sense of the bizarre has to be well-developed. Like you said, you can’t make this stuff up!!
Laughing at myself has absolutely kept me going through some very dark moments in my life. I agree. It is absolutely essential!
Eileen
Hey, I remember you. Heavy breather with a lisp, right? (In my youth I worked as a telemarketer for a photo studio. Got fired for having a bad case of laryngitis.)
Telemarketing is a lousy job, but I always listen politely to the ones who call me rather than hang up on them or make fun of them. Yes, they’re annoying, and it is fun to ridicule someone who is only bothering you to make a buck. It’s just that I remember the tiny cramped cubicle they’re sitting in, and the idiotic call sheet with the prepared speech on it sitting in front of them. The 5 minute timed breaks they’re allowed, the lousy commissions they make, and the floor supervisor who is constantly hovering around them, eavesdropping so he can correct anything they say wrong the minute they get off the phone. All that pops back into my head when the voice on the other end of the phone says, Good afternoon, Ms. Kelly. Are you aware that quality vinyl siding in your choice of thirty-nine exciting colors means that you never have to paint your house again?
I also named a disgusting alien species in one of my SF novels after a woman who tore me to pieces over the phone for interrupting her bon-bon feast during The Young and The Restless, but that’s another story.
Eileen, did you know that David Sedaris is a regular contributor to the radio show, THIS AMERICAN LIFE? It’s on NPR, but the archives are available on line. He’s funny in print…he’s even funnier when he’s reading his own stuff!
Hilarious post!
The telemarketer is probably wearing an orange jumpsuit. Just sayin’
Oh you totally need to ask the next telemarketer what they’re wearing. I’d suggest getting on the donotcall list. But you’re having too much fun!
I like your humor. We think alike
I got Vonage (woohoo woohoohoo) and now no telemarketers call.
No wonder I’m bored.
Oh, Eileen, PLEASE post a blog about what various telemarketers are wearing. Knowing what happens to you in your ‘real life’, I’m sure you’ll end up asking that of someone selling hookerwear.
I’m going to have to try that Baxter trick. I’m totally with you on the mean sense of humor – I think it comes from my grandmother, who used to laugh at us when we tripped. And David Sedaris is a genius – I got to see him in concert about year and a half ago, and I almost died, it was so funny. My favorite story in “Naked” was the one where he and his sister find the pornography book with all the typos. I write erotic romance, and every once in awhile I’m tempted to write, “he put his ceck in her pissy.”
PBW,
Oh, no! Now I feel bad for picking on the telemarketers. I have had my share of crappy jobs and I know how soul killing they can be.
Julie,
I used to listen to David Sedaris’s various guest spots on NPR all the time. Unfortunately, it’s next to impossible to get the local NPR station inside my house and I don’t spend nearly as much time in my car as I used to. I’m happy not to have to drive so much, but I miss stuff like This American Life and Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me!
Shelli,
Thank you!
Eva,
No no no no! Now I’ll be woo hoo woo hoo hoo-ing for the rest of the day!
Diana and Susan,
Good points both of you. I may not want to know what they’re wearing. Hmmm.
Eileen
This is serious, folks. This stuff happens to Eileen all the time. She’s a quirk magnet. You’d never know by looking at her. She seems so normal . . .
Thank you, Eileen, for my stomach ache. I haven’t tried to stifle a belly laugh (my baby is sleeping) in some time and it really hurts. But it was so worth it.
I’m now going to the bookstore to buy whatever you write.
~ Wylie Kinson
My favorite telemarketing moment happened to my mother about 20 years ago.
Mom: Hello?
TM: Hello, is your husband at home?
Mom: No, come on over!
TM: (pause) Is this the Smith residence?
Mom: No.
TM: Oh, I’m sorry.
Mom: Does that mean you’re not coming over?
TM: *click*
Allison,
You of all people know how deceiving looks can be . . .
Wylie,
That is music to every author’s ears! Thank you!
Eileen
Oh, man. I am going to be laughing about your sister’s um..glands, for days. That is too funny. I am crying over here.
I am always laughing at something that is weird or slightly twisted and my husband just doesn’t get half of what I find funny. But that’s what friends are for.
My family jokes all the time about me ordering my eggs ‘any style’ at a Denny’s once a very long time ago. I admit, it’s a little funny, but not as funny as they imagine it is. I think I may have been six.
I think the commercials with the ‘modern-day’ cavemen are hilarious–can’t remember what the commercials are for, but they sure are funny.
My sister is a police officer. Over the Thanksgiving dinner she tells the story of coming across a single car accident site. No one is around. One officer finds a severed leg near the car and says “Well he can’t have gotten far.” She and I were the only ones who cracked up. I’m not proud- I’m just saying.
Alyssa,
For the record, my sister was 26 when she ordered the Eggs Any Style. Also for the record, she is the smart one of the family. Well, when it comes to entymology and plant pathology, she’s smart. Ordering at IHOP? Not so much.
Eileen,
Maybe you, your sister and me should have dinner together. I LOVE that story.
Eileen
I loved this post. I was sitting here snickering and thinking it sounded so much like me. LOL! I’m the biggest dork when it comes to weird or absurd stuff. Most people don’t get it. Thankfully my mom does.
My best friend likes to tease me about one particular moment. I worked with this absolutely gorgeous guy who sat right next to me. One day while drinking a soda, I was talking about something and motioning with the hand holding the beverage.
I turned my head just right and the straw went up my nose! Kid you not! So, the unbelievably gorgeous coworker looks at me for a second and in a complete deadpan says “You do realize you’ve got a straw stuck up your nose, don’t you?”
I took the straw out of my nose and don’t think I stopped laughing for twenty minutes. Greatest moment EVER! he-he. I still
when I tell it though because I was so humiliated/laughing so hard. I sure would like to know why those moments always happen to me.
Great post!
LOL! I’m laughing even while I’m shaking in trepidation that people won’t think MY book is funny, especially when people react so differently to humor.
Camy
There are few things funnier than a foreign object in your nostril when in the presence of a hunky member of the opposite sex. Most excellent!
My sister likes to tell the story of when I dripped snot on a check when I wrote it. Seriously, if you can’t laugh at yourself, everyone else definitely will!
Camy,
Worry not. I have this sick, twisted sense of humor and look at all the people who are laughing with me!
Eileen
Eileen, love your quirky humor (and your excellent books)!
My worst job ever was when I took a second job right before Christmas, working as a telemarketer doing cold calls for a funeral home. Have you ever tried calling anyone on their dinner hour to offer discounted funeral plans during the most wonderful time of the year? About as many people cussed me out as burst out laughing at me. I didn’t last long.
Miss D –
Cold calling about funeral plans? Talk about a soul killing job. Would it have brightened your day at all if I’d asked what you were wearing?
Eileen
Eileen, I share your sense of humor. This should be obvious due to the spastic fits of anaerobic spasms I go into around you.
(Yeah, I don’t breathe when I laugh hard.)
Oh, oh. I also worked as a telemarketer for about two months one summer. Worst job. I quit the night we got a direct lightning hit on the telephone box, it fried the phones, and the bosses wouldn’t let us leave. They got things working again and told us to pick up. Lots of us walked that night.
My mother, upon seeing me come home, didn’t even blink. She just helped me find a new job.
And it was for the Fraternal Order of Police. Fundraising organization, but let me tell you, people will say the wildest things when they think you’re calling for the cops…
And then I worked as a telemarketer and have no trouble making fun of them.
I figure we knew that people weren’t happy to hear from us.