By PBW, originally posted 5/13/2005
I’m reading a romance novel. The heroine pops in to say Hi and give me some back story. There’s a calamity of some sort, which is the cue for the hero to enter. Here he comes, strutting down the chapter runway. He’s big-gorgeous, or dark-gorgeous, or rugged-gorgeous. Then the hero opens his mouth and says:
Forgive me for having a penis.
Okay, he doesn’t say that. He says and/or does something nice and PC, to facilitate bonding. Something the author thought was sweet. Something no man alive would say or do during such a calamity unless you were holding a .44 pressed against his head. Or someplace further south. Something like:
“I’m so sorry, Miss,†said Luke as he stepped out of the Corvette and knelt to pick up Bethany’s crushed groceries. He gazed up at her. “I didn’t see you, so please let me pay for everything I’ve ruined. Were these Shitake mushrooms? I should have gotten some for the stir-fry I’m making tonight.†He gave her a gentle smile. “Do you like Japanese?â€
This doesn’t stop here. Throughout the book, the minute this guy opens his mouth or does something, he’s wrong. He sounds exactly like the heroine, or her mother, sister, aunt, or best girlfriend. That’s because our hero is a girl in a man suit.
No offense to any lesbians reading this, but I’m hetero, and two ladies don’t do it for me. I like man/woman romances. It actually doesn’t matter to me what the man looks like; tall, dark, short, blond, white, black, alpha, omega, whatever, I’m there. I like men, period. I also like men to sound and behave like men. Which they can’t do if they’re only wearing a man suit.
As writers, we women need to be aware of the differences between the genders, and get them on the page. Men and women are biologically programmed to look, act and speak differently, and that’s made our species successful. This is not something to mourn or homogenize; I think we should celebrate our differences.
This is how I’d write the fender bender scene: “You okay?†Luke said as he got out and looked at Bethany. He reached down to grab a crushed bag and saw the Corvette’s dented bumper. “Oh, great.â€
Having your hero swagger around, adjust his package and swear in every other sentence won’t solve the problem of a girl in a man suit. True, some men are loud, aggressive, and blunt, but others are quiet, soft-spoken, and sensitive. There are all sorts of men in between, too. I live with a strong, silent type guy. While he is quiet and has yet to swagger, everything about him is undeniably masculine.
If you’re not sure how you’re depicting character gender, try this exercise: remove all the names, dialogue tags and gender giveaway words from a scene with the hero and heroine (for best results, don’t use a love scene.)
First, read the dialogue out loud. Can you hear the gender difference between the two characters, or do they sound like twins? Now, look at your action in the scene. Can you tell their gender from their physical behavior? If you’re not sure, do this exercise with another person and ask them to identify the genders of the characters.
If you find your heroes are sheroes, then you need to do some research into writing more realistic male characters. My advice is to go to the source:
1. Hang out with some real live men. Note their body language, speech, and mannerisms. Observe how their behavior changes, and what triggers those shifts.
2. Talk to men. If you want to know what men would say, do or feel in any given situation, ask one.
3. Go to places where men congregate, and watch them in action. Listen to how they talk and act with each other as opposed to women.
4. Ask a man to critique your work. It’s tough to find guys willing to read romance, but men are great at spotting and flagging sheroes.
More Research Sources:
Doreen Kimura’s Biological Constraints on Parity Between the Sexes and Sex Differences in the Brain
Judy Siennicki Gender Differences in Nonverbal Communication
Hara Estroff Marano’s The New Sex Scorecard
Laura Pope’s editorial Gender Differences Make Life Interesting
Edith Weiner & Arnold Brown’s What’s the Difference?
*Revisit previous comments on this post here.
No related posts.
Excellent post.
Thank you.
“Men and women are biologically programmed to look, act and speak differently, and that’s made our species successful. This is not something to mourn or homogenize; I think we should celebrate our differences.”
Well, men and women are biologically different, yes, but in the particular examples you give, I think culture is a lot more important than biology. I’m from the UK, and often the way men behave in US romances doesn’t seem ‘real’ to me. In fact, it seems like a caricature and I have never met an alpha male in real life. Yet many American people online have said that the men in their lives really do behave like this. I’ve also read articles about how American women differ from British women And then within those very broad groupings, there are regional differences, differences between age groups, differences between people of different social classes, differences according to educational level, and the personal differences that make each one of us unique. When you say ‘I like men, period. I also like men to sound and behave like men.’ you imply that there’s one way that men behave and that just isn’t true. There are huge individual and cultural variations.
Clearly it’s important for characters to behave in ways which are appropriate for someone of their background, but it’s a lot more complex than just looking at their biological sex.
For what it’s worth, I’m a woman and I wouldn’t recognise either a Shitake mushroom or a Manolo Blahnik shoe.
Interestingly enough, last night on ABC’s 20/20 there was a segment showing the 18 months a woman spent living as a man and discovering the HUGE differences between men and women – most notably, men’s lack of and need for intimacy, and the differences in the way the genders view sex. She said her biggest discovery was that women do not understand AT ALL what it’s like to be a man. Really interesting stuff!
You can read about it here: A Self-Made Man
That was interesting, Alison. The fact that she got away with the deception, and how much the men were struggling with repressed emotions, though, does suggest that (a) a lot of gender differences are learned and (b) a lot of men are are struggling with trying to live up to the ideal of manliness, because not all of it is either natural or fulfilling for them.
I don’t remember where I found this (might have been here–a bit more of my memory disappears with every diaper change) but the Gender Genie supposedly helps with this problem. Can’t say for sure if it does, since I’ve not used it yet, but somebody else might find it useful.
Here’s another good article.
“Men are different from women. They are equal only in their common membership of the same species, humankind. To maintain that they are the same in aptitude, skill or behaviour is to build a society based on a biological and scientific lie.
The sexes are different because their brains are different. The brain, the chief administrative and emotional organ of life, is differently contructed in men and in women; it processes information in a different way, which results in different perceptions, priorities and behaviour.”
Please forgive a personal anecdote.
When my new-born daughter felt the doctor’s cold stethescope in her first post-natal check-up, she fussed and waved her hands.
My new-born son grabbed at it and stared at the doctor.
It is never EITHER nature OR nuture. It’s both.
What an excellent post. OMG, we are in complete agreement. I did blog post on this very subject last year. Girlie men. UGH! As soon as they show up in a book, I’m gone. The author has lost me. Yes, I admit to being an alpha male junkie, but that’s beside the point. Betas don’t act girlie either.
Tanya
Ooops. The above post’s html got screwed up. Here’s another try.
OMG, we are in complete agreement! I did blog post on this very subject last year. Girlie men. UGH! As soon as they show up in a book, I’m gone. The author has lost me. Yes, I admit to being an alpha male junkie, but that’s beside the point. Betas don’t act girlie either.
Tanya
Well that one didn’t work either! LOL! Anyway, I said about the same thing as you. Girlie men in romance novels take away from the push and pull interaction between the characters. And that’s why I read romance. For the characters. I like my men to be men not female hybrids.
Tanya
Tanya – I fixed the link in the second post.
Re the study posted by Ruth W, I think this is still a very hotly debated area of science, and it’s not at all clear how much is due to biology and how much to culture/nurture. Of course in our societies men and women tend to behave in gendered ways, and writers should try to make their characters as realistic as possible.
To give a different scientific view from the one quoted by Ruth:
“Dr Hyde, writing in American Psychologist, says her review of 46 meta-analyses (which cover a number of studies) conducted over the last 20 years, shows men and women are alike in the majority of areas. [...] Dr Hyde said gender differences accounted for either no or a very small effect for most of the psychological variables examined. She said only throwing distance and physical aggression showed marked gender differences. And she said the extent of “male” or “female” behaviours seemed to depend on context.”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4251968.stm
“hang around men”…my DH would have me sleeping on the floor if I did that! LOL
I visit men’s sites (cyber magazines) that are geared towards mens problems and solutions.
Quizzes that men take that highlight their preferences; which are surprising in their candor. While I was shocked at some of the answers, my DH was chuckling like a fiend.
I find men are like “short attention span theater”. Say what you mean and mean what you say …15 words or less.
Love this post and all the above comments. What wonderful insight!!
Okay – totally unreasonable bias here. If I ever (and I do, fairly often) find the hero say “sheesh” or “jeesh” I close the book. I can’t hear a man say this. Maybe it’s a regional saying that I just don’t get but I’m convinced no male west of the Mississippi would say this.
I don’t exclusively like alpa males in my reading either.
Good topic.
Mo
Thanks for all the really great links. I’m going to post them under their own header. this is very important for writers. The Gender Genie that Nessili referenced, is a good one. I have that already on my Blog.
BTW…the last link you posted doesn’t work….it’s got romancing the blog in the link. Here is the correct link:
http://www.flatrock.org.nz/topics/society_culture/office_biology.htm
If I ever (and I do, fairly often) find the hero say “sheesh†or “jeesh†I close the book. I can’t hear a man say this.
The object of my affection is so very alpha (that’s the way I like them) and he’s used ’sheesh’ but only in email and only in a slightly exasperated way – usually after I’ve asked him “but what did you mean when you said…” for the sixth time. When the sheesh comes out I know to drop it
That said though, I can’t imagine him, or any other guy in my life, saying sheesh to my face.
I think my biggest pet peeve when it comes to author’s ruining a true Alpha male is when he uses horribly corny endearments that no man in real life would use.
Darlin’ is fine, Babe is fine, but I’ll never forget a book where this super tough spy guy kept calling the heroine sugar. It just didn’t fit his character at all and I couldn’t finish the book.
If the guy is an Alpha, have him act like an ALPHA!!!!!!
LOLOLOLOL! I started laughing from “shiitake mushrooms” and couldn’t stop!
However, it’s a sad but true problem that I see too often. Boy, that just kills a book for me. If I don’t think the hero is masculine enough by chapter two–chuck goes the book. It’s too bad the editors don’t catch some of the femininisms coming out of the heroes mouths, or rolling in their heads:
Her gilded tresses floated on the zephyr breeze like jaconet silk…
Laura V wrote: often the way men behave in US romances doesn’t seem ‘real’ to me. In fact, it seems like a caricature
I have to agree. Granted, the small-town construction worker hero who can identify any perfume at ten paces, quotes Byron in moments of passion, and knows everything there is to know about wine, classical music, fashion, flowers, gourmet cooking, etc., etc. makes me roll my eyes so much I get a headache.
I don’t think the problem, though, is gender–it’s characterization, period.
Writing male characters according to some guideline list of male characteristics is just as sloppy as making them sound identical to the female characters.
The problem with the guy in my example wasn’t that those were female characteristics he was exhibiting–it’s that there’s no reason for him to have those characteristics. I might buy some of them if he grew up urban & wealthy and had taken up gourmet cooking with a former girlfriend.
But I’m really tired of the notion that “real” men do nothing but grunt and scratch and wouldn’t know an emotion if it was shoved down their throats. It’s just as bad as the notion that “real” women do nothing but shop and gossip and fly into emotional fits at the drop of a hat. Come on, aren’t men just as much individuals as we are?
Most lesbians don’t want to read about a woman in a man suit, either.
I don’t tend to like over-the-top, so-masculine-you-can-almost-smell-the-sweat males, but at the same point, I see a lot of “beta” heroes that are too ridiculous to be believed. Cause my first reaction towards a hero that’s apologising all over himself and catering to the heroine’s every need in this simpering, sickly sweet voice … is to get violent. Book, meet wall.
And pity the hero doesn’t exist IRL, cause I’d rather toss *him* into the wall.
PBW:
I’ve seen several articles on the news sites about the rise of the “metrosexual” male in recent years. How do you think this might fit into what NY editors are buying? I have my own opinions, but am curious to know if this might have something to do with the “feminization” of heroes in romance novels. I don’t find the “metrosexual” male attractive myself. (Anyone wanting to know what I’m talking about, go to http://www.wikopedia.com and do a search.)
I was just at a conference where Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer spoke about their collaboration. The first book, Don’t Look Down, will be out in April. She writes the female POV scenes. He writes the male POV. Bet that takes care of woman-speak coming out of the alpha male mouth and vice versa. Excellent post, PBW.
Jolie wrote: “I’ve seen several articles on the news sites about the rise of the “metrosexual†male in recent years. How do you think this might fit into what NY editors are buying? I have my own opinions, but am curious to know if this might have something to do with the “feminization†of heroes in romance novels.”
Good question. I’ve been reading romance for thirty years, and I’ve never seen so many girl-in-a-mansuit heroes as I do now, so something’s on the rise. The ongoing, inch-by-inch emasculation of the romance hero is highly visible in category romance, and I think the editors there are very concerned about having presentable, extremely beta heroes, but single title authors are also being pressured. I was told by one editor that they look for heroes most likely not to offend to any woman who picks up the novel. Which means turning them into chicks with dicks, I guess.
I apologize in advance to the transgendered for that last statement. It’s a metaphor, not a slam at you folks.
Hmm. Is this a generational thing? Because I do believe the “male attitude” comes alot from nuture rather than nature. I have several friends where the woman is the family provider, either earning more money or earning the only money.
And I think that there are alot of metrosexual men in the world today. My DH is certainly one of them. He buys special facial moisturizers, hair products, deodorant, etc. (yes, at some points he reminds me of the character in Brett Ellis’ American Pyscho). We both watch a ton of sports but he can’t miss Desparate Housewives while I would rather read a book. He knows what shitake mushrooms are and knows how to cook them (I think that is a little Jayne Ann Krentz of a hero, btw).
I hate the idea that men are deemed “girly” men if they can talk about their feelings or get emotional. Have you seen some of these athletes? Brett Favre cries during his interviews (at least every other one). Same goes for Coach Dick Vermeil.
Maybe male characters are catching up with the real world men. I mean, Alpha heroes are nice to read about, but I can’t stand them in real life. Their bossiness, know it all, I’m the greatest attitude. Ugh. Please. Give me a laid back JAK hero any day of the weak.
For me, them talking about their emotions isn’t an issue. It’s the talking and acting like a woman that bothers me. When a man waxes girlie instead of like men usually do (yes, men talk about their emotions, they just do it differently) the story is over for me. I can’t read anymore. That’s when I end up throwing the book in my wallbanger box where it never sees the light of day again.
Tanya
[...] So is Travis a wuss? A wimp? A shero (to use a phrase from the previous RTB article, A Girl in a Man Suit)? [...]
Or you could actually have a guy write the guy’s scene. Just a thought. From a guy. Who writes.