Romancing the Blog | Romance Authors and Readers Who Blog

[A note from Judson Knight and Deidre Knight: We took seriously our obligation to produce an entry for Romancing the Blog, but when we actually sat down at our desktops, we discovered that someone—a devil, a sprite, call him or her what you will—had gotten ahold of the keyboard. We were appalled by what we read, and totally prepared to write a nice, friendly entry on how to turn your personal experiences into a best-selling novel—at least, that was one of our ideas—but we ran out of time. So we found ourselves in a bind, and unfortunately had to use this nasty little write-up that Screwtape—we’ll call him that, for want of a better name—left on our computers. If you don’t like it, don’t blame us: blame Screwtape.]

Some Tried and True Tips for Ensuring Rejection

We’ve often imagined ourselves giving a talk that would have a title along the lines of “How to Get Yourself Rejected.” The target audience would be new writers, though we think everyone could stand to learn something from these tried and true secrets for ensuring rejection. In fact, if everybody applied these lessons to their daily lives, they’d be able to avoid that first date with a person to whom they’re attracted, that lucrative and promising job, that bank loan essential to achieving a dream, or whatever it is they claim to want—in other words, all those forms of success that complicate lives unnecessarily.

But we’ll confine ourselves to encouraging writers with ways to get themselves turned down by agents or publishers, and trust that you’ll understand how to apply these lessons in a broader context. Nor are we going to insult anybody’s intelligence by telling you about the really basic, simple ways that a writer can ensure that no one will read her query letter, let alone her manuscript. We’re sure you already know about obvious things like using unusual fonts and paper, though we will point out that a really fuzzy, beat-up printer for your letter and manuscript is certainly a plus. Extra points if you could dig up a dot-matrix, though of course the real prize goes to those who handwrite their letters. That takes a special person.

And of course you know not to include a SASE, so we won’t even burden you with the importance of that. But you may not know that some agents and editors make it clear they prefer to receive electronic queries, in which case of course a paper query would be your best bet for ensuring rejection. That’s certainly the case at The Knight Agency, though we can’t promise we reject every single paper query—only that paper queries are an easy way of identifying writers who haven’t checked out the agency Web page, or our listings in any of the various agent directories, and thus are less than cognizant as to what the agency hopes to receive.

So paper queries are always a good bet, and it’s even better if you send it in some special way that was never requested by the agent or editor: a registered letter, for instance, or a FedEx package. This one is especially good for agencies, which have a relatively small number of personnel to chase down and sign vouchers for registered letters. A Fed Ex package is good, too, assuming it’s a nice, slim envelope. That way, the agent will naturally think that it’s a check from a publisher, and when they find out it’s only a query, they’ll be sure to remember you.

Whether the format of your query is paper or electronic, though, there are plenty of ways to set yourself apart. We’re reminded of that great line from Anna Karenina: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” We used to think that Tolstoy was putting down happy families, until a little further investigation helped us to appreciate his true meaning—for something to be good, all the same things have to show up, but there are infinite omissions and mistakes that can make something bad. Applying this idea to a manuscript rather than a family, well, we’re sure you can see the possibilities.

Get really creative. That means not wasting your time on minutiae such as the actual name of the agent or editor; for a salutation, Dear followed by a generic noun (Agent, Editor) is more than adequate. And even if you slip up and include a person’s name, do something to make clear the fact that you don’t know anything about them; in other words, use Ms. or Mr. indiscriminately. Nor should you get right to the point of what your book is about: it’s much better to spend a paragraph or two reminding the agent of something she already knows—to wit, that it’s damn hard to get published. For that matter, perhaps perfume your query with an unusual odor, say that of marijuana or other illegal substance (true story! We promise!)

And even when you do get around to discussing what your book’s about, it’s a good idea to rely on broad generalities, such as “The Gentle Fields [did I mention how important it is to have an unmemorable title?] is a story about what happens when a woman has to decide what’s best for her life: romance or stability.” Be sure, too, to include the fact that this novel is based on a particular incident from your life—agents and editors don’t realize that all fiction is based on personal experience in one way or another, so they need to be reminded of this fact. And if your inclusion of such a detail helps to spawn the idea that you wouldn’t be able to produce a follow-up book because you haven’t had the corresponding experience, then so much the better. Certainly be sure to let us know that you’ve worked on this manuscript for the better part of twenty years, that way we know you need not seek a two book contract!

If you want to gain particular notice, please be sure to invoke any one of the goddesses of romance like a holy mantra: “I’m the next Nora… the next Susan Elizabeth… the next Karen Marie… the next, the next, the next… (fill in the blank here!)” But why stop at that? “I’m the next Jane Austen” would do even better. Follow that with one recent query opener that I have observed, “Pay attention to my name. It’s one that will be on the NEW YORK TIMES bestseller list before long. I am the next big thing to happen to the American publishing world.” Yes, indeed, this is a recipe for great success in your endeavors toward failure, and we laud you much.

Ah, I, Screwtape of the Writing Internet Sphere, could go on and on about how to ensure that the manuscript itself will be rejected, but the Knights are about to sit down and write their blog entry, and I’m afraid of being discovered, so I’d better skedaddle. Anyway, you get the idea: do your worst, think only of yourself and not of the person reading your letter (let alone the person who supposedly will read your book), and you’re bound to fail admirably!

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