While shopping with a coworker, a friend found herself being chastised for purchasing romance novels. “How can you let your children see you reading those things?” she was asked. “All those happy endings give kids such a distorted, unrealistic view of the world.” Huh?
I was frankly astonished at that attitude. Since when did happy endings become a bad thing? A thing to be kept from our children like guns or too much sugar?
On the other hand, this episode made me really look at what my kids are exposed to on a daily basis — what I’m exposed to.
I read romance novels. I like happy endings. What’s more, I believe in happy endings. Do they happen all the time? Every time? Sadly, no. But do happy endings exist? Absolutely.
I wonder what my friend’s coworker exposes her children to, to provide them with an “undistorted, realistic view of the world”. Daily news broadcasts would be a good place to start. The media makes sure we all have a healthy dose of murder, mayhem and misery to start and end every day. Then, there’s the newspapers, pointing out every riot and act of religious hatred, supplemented with political scandals and racial attacks.
Oh, and let’s not forget the movies, with nearly every blockbuster a compilation of sex, violence and destruction, each worse than the last. Funny, I see little in these movies that would be considered “realistic” at all.
To hear the media tell it, there are no happy endings. Ever. With a steady diet of the world’s problems delivered to our homes on a daily basis, it’s no wonder drugs and guns in schools are commonplace or that so many young women enter marriage thinking domestic abuse is a given.
I’m sure I’m not the only person who has stopped watching the news or reading the papers on a regular basis. I much prefer to get up each day with my positive attitude intact. It makes me a better parent and, I hope, a better person.
What if we made some changes in our focus? Honest, unbiased news would present the real facts — that every day, somewhere in the world, in this country, and, yes, even in our own backyards, someone saves a life, someone gives a needy child a home, and someone shares peace with their neighbor.
What if the media took its cue from Chicken Soup For the Soul? What if the bad stuff was mentioned only briefly amidst the true stories of medical miracles and hometown heroes that take place each and every day? How would our children’s expectations and beliefs change? What if we could convince them that looking for negativity will find it every time — but so will looking for the positive? We don’t all have to become Pollyanna, but on the other hand, would that be so bad? What if we consistently sought the bright spots amongst all the drudge of life? That includes reading books where a happy ending prevails every time. That includes letting our kids know that despite what the media tells us, good things happen every single day. And it shouldn’t be an embarrassment to believe that.
So the next time I pick up a romance novel, or watch a touching movie, or see a responsible journalist or celebrity present the joys of life, I’m going to remember what view of life I want to present to my children as realistic. I hope you will, too.
Happily Ever After can exist, and in fact does. It just rarely makes the front page.
No related posts.
Some excellent points, Shannon. Nicely put!
I think people like your co-worker’s friend need to be asked a few questions. Firstly, if media spots, movies and videogames that glorify violence are closer to ‘real life’ than Romances are, do we need that kind of ‘realism’? Especially when our youth begin to gleefully mimic it, and then get away with it because of youth protection laws (at least in Canada, anyhow)?
Secondly, does this person realize that the idea of ‘happily ever after’ is far more wide spread, and more accessable to children than mere romance novels? Look at every Disney movie, cartoon series, or well crafted, age appropriate book that children are exposed to on a daily basis. Hmmm. Could it be that in fact the average person thinks that HEA is a childish concept, and thus has given up on it being ‘real’ or at all possible?
Kind of makes you think . . .
Excellent post, Shannon!
I’m also one who rarely reads the papers or watches the news because they rarely highlight the good in life. I firmly believe that most of those outlets allow us to have that ‘thank goodness it’s not me’ feeling and that’s about it.
I have to believe HEAs are possible, if not, what are we all doing? I agree with you, if we search for the positive we can find it…misery loves company a bit too much and I would love to see more positive spins. My parents are a constant HEA in progress. They’re high school sweethearts that have been married for almost 40 years and I’ll take that over the dismal news any day!
I often wonder if we’d have a lot less “fill-in-the-blank” rage in this world if we watched and read less so-called news. People watch these news shows, get all worked up, and come out swinging.
I quit watching almost before I started because they made me so depressed I could barely function. Maybe that’s why I enjoy reading HEAs so much. Do I think every life will have one? No, I’m still in touch with reality. Am I unaware of the bad things that go on in the world? No, I’m only too aware and feel no need to have them shoved in my face.
Let’s hear it for more escapist reading! Give us all a break.
Hear, hear Shannon! You tell her! It’s sad there are people out there who truly believe that a HEA actually sets people up for an unrealistic view of the world. Hello! These books are works of fiction. FIC-TION. Frankly, we could all stand to believe a little more in the HEAs.
I saw something on the world news one night that talked about a website that only reported GOOD NEWS. Seems that someone was entirely sick of exactly the things you’ve pointed out in your wonderful post. It’s goodnewsnetwork.org
Now isn’t that the wonderful? Heaven knows we need something to balance out the miserable media.
Great post!
Grins*
What an odd thing for her to say. I suppose I shouldn’t read too many fantasy novels because pretty soon I’ll start to believe in unicorns and faeries? Heh.
“All those happy endings give kids such a distorted, unrealistic view of the world.â€
It’s a very odd thing to say. The majority of action [violent or not] films ended with the “HEA” version of their own, e.g. Die Hard, Bad Boys, Lethal Weapons, Smokey and the Bandit, Escape from New York, The Fast and the Furious and such.
Same with many other non-romance films: Dead Poets Society, Back to the Future, Rocky, The Shawshank Redemption, Barbershop, The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert … the list is endless. Same with teen films and novels. Children’s books, too.
How about mystery novels? Villains are caught and exposed, and justice is fully served. In any case, how could Miss Marple have such bad luck to stumble so many murders during her lifetime? Even so, she wins. Every time. Even computer games have the feel-good ending, for goodness sake. Is it realistic for one to go out and shoot every baddie in sight and comes out a winner? Of course not.
None of these endings is “real” as not everyone – especially those who put their lives on line – gets to win the day, as there are many tossers who walked free to continue terrorising and destroying the fabric of our society, but at least on screen and in print, their wins offer us a strong sense of closure, especially when made on a high note. Is that realistic? Who cares?
It’s such a bizarre for that person to say, so much that I’m trying to wrap my head around it.
I think you make some good points Shannon, but I also feel that you, and the other commenters, are overreacting to this woman’s comment.
First, I think the assumption that because someone is concerned about their kids being overexposed to the HEA, they would obviously let them watch the news or movies or even Disney, is a bit unrealistic.
Second, if you let HEA stand in (in the context of her concerns) for a concern about romance novels, movies, etc showing love only as something that sweeps you off your feet and (once acknowledged) is always wonderful, then I share her concern. I read lots and lots of romance novels, but all in all I’d prefer my kids to read books that start after the HEA; that look at how life can go on, warts and all. I think a lot of the best chick lit falls into this category.
There were some posts here a while back – May, I think – in which people (writers and commenters) ridiculed the idea that romance fiction could influence people. We are intelligent women, they said. We know the difference between reality and fantasy. Maybe we do, but when we read, over and over, something that feeds into our common cultural myths, does our subconscious really know the difference?
Look, I’m not saying romance, or other escapist fiction, is inherently bad, or that I don’t like a HEA as much as the next person. I’m just saying I have some sympathy for this woman’s concerns, and that I think saying it’s just fiction is an almighty cop-out. If romance fiction is ever to be taken seriously in the world of writing, that sort of cop-out can’t be allowed to flourish. That’s what makes people laugh at us.
I personally think that the HEA myth has an enormous amount to do with the high divorce and depression rates and lowering marriage rates. People get married and expect the happily ever after, and when the honeymoon ends and some work is needed people say “What the hell is this? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.” It often seems easier to keep chasing the HEA than to deal with the issues in the current relationship.
Wonderful post, Shannon.
I’m sure I’m not the only person who has stopped watching the news or reading the papers on a regular basis
No, you’re not! And now I can tell my Mum I’m not the only crazy person in the world…
Where is the “stand and applaud” emoticon? I’m living a happily ever after, so they DO exist. Sure, it’s not all sunset and flowers, but my son sees that side too. I want him to believe in a happily ever after. As for the HEA myth causing divorced, romances weren’t the thing in the 60s and 70s when my parents and aunts and uncles married, yet they’re all divorced.
What do you mean romances weren’t the thing in the 60s and 70s Mary F? Maybe they weren’t as popular as they are now (I bow to your greater wisdom) but I have plenty of romances written in the 70s. And my memories of my Nanna’s women’s magazines from back then is that they were filled with way more romance stories than they are now.
Anyway, I doubt anyone would argue the HEA myth is the sole cause of divorce, just a contributing factor. Anyway He didn’t mention romances, just the myth, which exists plenty outside of straight romance novels.
Are you my twin?
Seriously, Shannon, it’s scary how much we think alike. Loved this post. Amen, sister.
Here’s to everyone who supports happy endings! Thanks for a great post.
If anything, as the society around us grows ever more toxic, and its toxicity is emphasized by the news and other media, I need to read more ‘happily ever after’ stories for balance. This doesn’t mean that I never read other books but that, again, I’m looking for balance.
I tend to agree with Kay and Chris, in that the HEA ending of all romance novels can subconsciously set up an unrealistic expectation about love/marriage for some readers. With divorce rates so high, it would seem obvious that a romance novel is in many ways a wish fullfillment..a fantasy of the way we would like life to be. Yes, there are couples who have been married for 40-50 years and are still deeply in love..there are also couples that have been married that long who barely tolerate each other.
When I was going through a very painful separation and divorce a few years ago, I could not read romance novels, because they seemed like lies to me…I felt that the preordained HEA ending was mocking me. I have read on other romance novel websites similiar posts…it was not until I was through the worst of the process that I could stand to pick up a romance novel once again, but with a different attitude than I once had…a jaded attitude. And that may be one of the reasons I only make about a 1/3 of my reading from the genre, my reading is primarily of historicals, and the romantic relationship/HEA ending is what I focus on the least.
You know what? My real world is depressing enough, and I’m not even paying to be depressed. If I’m paying for distraction and entertainment, I want it to end happy instead of leaving me sadder, dammit!
Wow, it’s amazing how many different directions a discussion can go in.
Any personal experience will affect how someone views something, so I can see that a person who has been terribly hurt in a relationship would find it difficult to read romance, just as someone who lost a sister to a murderer would find it difficult to read thrillers about serial killers. There is no Universal Experience, and none of our circumstances invalidates anyone else’s.
Saying people shouldn’t read romances because they are unrealistic might just be a piece of that woman’s whole–that NO popular fiction is realistic and therefore shouldn’t be read. She may feel the same way about all entertainment and think the only media worth reading or viewing deals with bad things (I can’t think of another way to phrase it than “bad things”).
I think like breeds like, and the more optimistic and happy our outlook, the more optimistic and happy our reality. I know that’s simplistic but it has helped me weather my mother’s breast cancer and subsequent health problems, and again 15 years later when she died from it, and even my parents’ divorce when I was 7.
the HEA ending of all romance novels can subconsciously set up an unrealistic expectation about love/marriage for some readers.
I think this is backwards! Romances show how two people can work through their problems and be happy together, and hopefully will be strong enough to weather any future problems together. So at the end of a romance novel, the couple believes they will be together for the rest of their lives, whatever happens. What expectation is being set up that makes divorce more likely to someone who thinks this can really happen? And how can a marriage survive if the people in it have “realistic” expectations of divorce?
If the idea is that romances make marriage look easy, I really can’t see that. Like I said, they’re all about conflict.
I also think divorce statistics are skewed. If you have 100 marriages in a year and 50 divorces, you can’t say 50% of all marriages end in divorce because you’re not counting all the existing marriages at the beginning of that year. I really don’t know how they’re calculated, though, so I could be wrong.
It can’t be said too much. Expectations are everything, and if we feed our kids gloom and doom, what do they have to aspire to?
My earlier post may have made me sound as though I am very bitter, while actually I have come to terms with the divorce, learned from the experience, and in the process have created a good life for myself.:wink: The difference is that I no longer look at love and marriage in the same way as I did before the divorce..there are no rose colored glasses sitting on my nose. IMO far too many romance novels give the impression that all the hard work in the relationship ends at the altar, while in real life the hard work has just started.
I understand why you might feel that way, Anne, but books (that aren’t the original fairy tales) don’t really SAY “and they lived happily ever after.” Unless people are total recluses, how can they apply what they read in a fiction novel to the lives around them “unrealistically”? How can they think, “I know six couples who got divorced, and two couples that fight constantly but really love each other, and all my friends talk about the difficulties in their marriages, but I’m going to assume that because the couple in this book is happy at the end, they always will be and I’ll be happy ever after, too.”
It’s just much more complex than that. We all have too many influences in our lives to be able to really pinpoint one thing that colors our entire belief system. That’s my opinion, anyway.
Wow! You guys are awesome and humbling with all your great comments! I couldn’t have asked for a better response.
One thing I think should be clarified…most romance novels don’t portray romance as a heroine being “swept off her feet.” In reality, most romance novels show a couple working their butts off to make something work that doesn’t look like it possibly could. This may be even more clearly shown in some chick lit novels (which is what I write). There is very little feet-sweeping, bed of roses, never-say-a-cross-word-again to the love that most writers I know write about. Most of them write about seemingly impossible relationships and the very hard work the parties must do in order to make that impossible relationship work.
I’m living a HEA myself, married 19 years to my high school sweetheart. It’s not easy sometimes. Sometimes it’s the hardest thing I do, perhaps aside from raising children. But, I know in my heart it is HEA. I have to work to keep it that way, but it does work, and I want my kids to see that…in my relationship, in the relationships of other family members. But they see the real world, too. Can’t avoid it. It’s on television, it’s displayed by their friends, by other family members who don’t always have happy endings. “Reality” is in plenty.
I guess I was just shocked at the woman’s comment because it seemed as though she was saying that our kids shouldn’t hear about the happy endings because it might disillusion them. So, the alternative would be to show them all the bad stuff until they come to believe that that’s all there is.
Not going to happen in my house. I’d rather let my teen daughter read romance novels and see that love takes work, but if two people care enough to work at it, if SHE cares enough to work at it, there is a strong possibility that there will be a Happily Ever After in her future.
Thanks for all the great comments, ladies!! I’m so happy to have struck up a conversation with such passionate responses.
Shannon
I used to be a person who didn’t read romance novels because they all seemed to have the “happy ever after” endings and that did not feel realistic to me. Now, HEA is sometimes all I want! My life is stressful enough because of my job (I’m a police officer) so I enjoy something turning out for the good instead of the bad I see every day. I think kids should be exposed to both sides, HEA and a little of harsh reality, to give them a balanced outlook. I guess that’s all I’ll write or the weary, cynical cop in me will come out.:???:
How would our children’s expectations and beliefs change?
–simply. They would believe in happy end so much, a bad ending would break them. Do you know the statistics? Most of the mental patients who experience extreme nervous breakdown are not those gloomy, pessimistic, sulky people, and not even the sensitive ones. But the once-cheerful, once-sweet people who had had a happy childhood and a nice youth, and a lovely life, and at some point their life delivered them the kind of blow they had never expected to receive, had no resistence against, no kind of emotional vaccine. Those who fall from higher points, fall harder.