As a reader there are a lot of themes and plot devices that I don’t care for in Romance Novel Land. For instance, I’m not big on royalty, sheiks, secret babies or Navy SEALs. However, I’m OK with those themes coexisting in my reading universe. I’m sure there are just as many readers who dislike my favorites: cowboys, virgin heroes and marriage of convenience plots 
However there is one theme that has got to go. It needs to be chased out of Romance Novel Land by hordes of chanting townspeople carrying pitchforks and torches. That is the theme of soul mates.
Sure, the concept that everyone has a “soul mate†is terribly romantic, but it has a tendency to perpetuate what I call “lazy romance.†Instead of showing two people learning to love and understand each other, the author so often just whips out the concept of soul mates and voila! Instant romance! Who needs characters learning to understand and respect each other when Fate destined them to be together for all time? Why take the time to get to know each other and fall in love when it’s already written in the stars?
The soul mates theme also has a way of stripping characters of free will. Romances have a time honored tradition of featuring characters who are down but not out. Whether they are the brooding and scarred military hero, or a heroine who must marry for money because her wastrel brother gambled away the family fortune – these characters need to claw their way up. However despite their less than ideal circumstances, they still have choices. They still have free will. They can still choose who they are going to fall in love and live happily every after with. Tossing in the idea of a soul mate takes that completely out of their hands. They have no choice. They’re stuck with the partner Fate cosmically assigned to them.
This insidious little theme has been around for ages, but has lately enjoyed a revival thanks to the resurgence of paranormal romances. Werewolf romances especially love to feature the idea of a “mate.†So even if the heroine is turned off by a hero getting hairy at every full moon that’s just too darn bad. Some mysterious deity deemed them “mates,†so they are now stuck with each other. She better start resigning herself to buying dog food and raising a litter of pups 
Call me old fashioned, but characters with no control over their romantic futures is not romantic. And simply declaring that the characters are “soul mates†without showing the reader how and why they fall in love is not only lazy, but boring. Really, really boring.
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I suppose I look at it from another perspective; I don’t think the concept of “soul mates” takes away the idea of freewill at all.
A soul mate — by my definition — is someone who you have a strange, almost uneartly attraction to when in their presence: a strong connection. I don’t think that means you are handcuffed to that person, and I still think it would be possible to bungle the relationship badly!
I think it makes it more tragic when someone screws up a relationship with a soul mate. And the possibility of Just That makes for compelling fiction.
Who hasn’t read a novel and tensed up because the hero and heroine are so perfect for one another… if they could just let down the barricades?
Humans often act in direct contradiction to what their hearts or souls want…they over or under analyse, and they bring all the experiences in the past, and they sometimes screw up a really good thing.
Now if a writer truly is just using the idea of soul mates to be lazy, THAT is not a novel I want to read. However, if it’s a story about 2 good people who should be together, but need to learn a few lessons first… it sounds like a possible winner.
Ah. Example blurb:
Two people meet. They are meant to be. No matter what. The end.:roll:
I can see your point. Makes for boring copy. But, on the other hand, I love the simple idea of soul mates. We, as authors can torture them every which way to Sunday. But, in the end, they will be together. Thus, the HEA.
If you’re giving them no conflict or no plot, and all you’re doing to hold the story together is claim they ARE “soul mates”, then there are deeper issues.
If an author starts in the beginning as showing this inevitable attraction in which both characters just feel, *insert lovesick sigh*, they are simply MEANT to be. I’m done. Close the book and move on. Because you’re right. Boring. Boring. Ack! Did I say boring?
But, if they’ve gone through hell and back, you know…those lovely conflict and black moments…then I am rooting for them. Yay people! You have fought tooth and nail, and despite the odds, you won!
So this, like so many other devices, must be handled well. Responsibly. And not used to encompass the be-all and end-all.
Grins*
I am now submitting once. If the blogger gods are happy this morning, this will post.
It’s all in the execution.
I loathe Problems that Can be Cleared Up With A Talk Or Even A Kiss and swore any book like that would be a wall banger — and then I thoroughly enjoyed a book (Lord Protector)that featured the most-hated-device in spades.
And I actively dislike vampires, but I plan to read Kathy Love’s upcoming vampire books (and Shannon Stacey’s) because I know if anyone can make bloodsuckers appealing, they will. Hey if not appealing at least amusing.
Coming out of lurking to agree on this one … while I do enjoy a well-executed soulmates plot, it has to be VERY well executed. When it’s not, it can be borderline offensive. See: an erotic story I recently read (by one of my favorite authors), in which being supernatural “soulmates” excused the hero raping the heroine. I’m sure there that pushes some readers’ kink buttons, but for me, that storyline squicked me back when I was a kid watching General Hospital. I’m certainly not any better with it now.
If a writer can show me that being “soulmates” means the characters are perfectly compatible, personality-wise, then I’ll buy it. But, to just say “well, no matter what screwed up things one of them does, they’ll always be together because they’re Meant To Be” … like you said, lazy, and a boring story besides.
I’m not keen on fated soul mates. I’m fine with deep connection or the uber-loyalty of a werewolf mate. But destiny doesn’t work well for me in romance.
That said, to each his own. I think I’m going to post in my blog about how I can enjoy secret baby stories!
Excellent post. Just excellent. And at the risk of repeating myself, it was truly excellent. Thank you, Wendy. For that excellent post.
Great post. I like soul mate books
but I can see why you don’t. The soul mate books I like generally involve a huge choice. The reader knows these two people have this chance but if they don’t find a way to fall in love all is lost. I loved Deb Morriss’s When Lightning Strikes and of course the Dark-Hunter books are all based on the idea of soul mates. (I LOVE the DH books!) I’m with Kate. I despise books based on a misunderstanding, especially when the misunderstanding could easily be cleared up with a conversation. And Allison’s post yesterday made me realize how much I hate fake danger.
Thank you!
There’s a distinct difference between the h/h coming to feel that they’ve found their “soul mate” — someone who understands them like no one else does — and using the idea that the characters are ’soul mates” to excuse jerkish attitudes or actions from one of the characters.
Done right, it can be a powerful device, especially if the hero or heroine, having realized that this is “the one”, is put in a position where they must make a choice that could well drive them apart. The stakes have been raised and there’s the potential for real loss. Too many times, however, it comes across as lame and, as you said, lazy writing.
Thank you sooooo much, Wendy! My problems with ’soul mates’ are same as yours. Also there is another thing: repetitiveness. It’s repeatedly stated that they are soul mates. The hero is usually the one who says it, so he utters it every other page.
“We are soul mates”
“You’re my soul mate”
“Mine.”
“You’re my soul mate”
“We are soul mates”
“Mine!”
“We are meant to be together, you’re my soul mate”
*Zzzzzz*
I definitely agree with Maili and Wendy. Now…the concept of soul mates as that perfect person for you is great, but I think that’s not what Wendy’s talking about in her post, exactly. And too often I see her definition of soul mates used and yes, it gets annoying and makes for lots of wall-bangers. I see it more in vamp novels than in werewolves, though. And it drives me nuts. It does take away that free will and too often, I do NOT think that these two people are perfect for each other, even though the author tells me they are soul mates and must be. Well then by God, SHOW ME! Don’t just TELL! It almost seems to me that soul mates lately are seen as an easy way to make the heroine stick with the alpha-jerk (I’m being nice here) and as a way to try to get the reader to believe that these two are meant to be together even though the alpha-jerk never seems to have very many redeeming qualities other than maybe he’s loyal to his family. AND since when does having an alpha hero mean he has to be a jerk? I can handle commanding and assertive, but lately, they all come off as supreme asses who are always right even when they’re wrong. That’s supposed to be romantic??
Okay..off my little rant box now. Breathe, Nicole, breathe.
Wendy, I enjoyed your post! I think Caro hit it — the idea of finding the one person who understands you (i.e. soul mate) can be a wonderful story, but as a plot device that excuses everything it’s trite and you nailed it — lazy.
As an extension from the “soul mate” premise is the “love at first sight” premise. While I believe in lust at first sight — who hasn’t seen a hot guy that you just couldn’t stop staring at? — the over-the-top physical descriptions just gag me, especially when the writer imbues emotions or moral values to someone’s physical appearance.
I don’t mind soul mates. Any romance still has a job to do, which is to convince the reader by the end of the book that these two really do belong together and will live happily ever after. If soul mates meet, I still have to be convinced by the romance. I’ve seen this done really, really well many times.
I’d hate to see anything romance go away, because one of the things I love about the genre is the enormous variety. There’s something for everyone, and since my tastes change over time I never worry about running out of romances that suit me.
I don’t believe in soul mates – it just seems mathematically unlikely we’d ever meet our destined partner – but no love at first sight, Alison?
It happens. It may be that love is just a complex chemical reaction in your brain, and that reaction can be triggered sometimes just by meeting someone with the right pheromones – I don’t know – but I absolutely fell madly – and ‘mad’ is the most correct word I can use to decribe the strangeness of the emotional reaction – in love at first sight.
If Wendy will excuse me a Navy SEAL, the book I’ve read that describes it best is Brockmann’s Out of Control – the hero falls in love at first sight, but then still needs to get to know the heroine as a person, so the relationship is a workable thing.
I don’t think I’d have believed in love at first sight if I hadn’t experienced it – sounds like a silly, and somewhat delusional idea – but I suppose hormones sometimes work that way. I know a lot of mothers (and dads)who say they were overwhelmed with instant love when they saw their babies for the first time – and while I didn’t experience that with my own children, I think there probably are bodily mechanisms that can be triggered to allow us to bond to someone in a matter of moments. The story is then whether that instant connection will be the basis of something good and durable.
Oh I LOVE the idea of soul mates. Just the thought that there is someone out there especially for you. I find that incredibly romantic. I think when done well, it makes for a wonderfully emotional story.
I read just about everything. There are a few plot devices and sub genres I try to avoid (amnesia, time travels, vampires), but if a favorite author writes one or someone I trust recommends one I’ll read it.
The vampire sub-genre is my least favorite and this column and several posters have hit on why. I love alpha heros, but I don’t like cave men heros and that’s what often happens with the “soul mate” theme. As a reader I’m getting beaten over the head with the “You’re my soul mate” thing and I’m left wondering why isn’t the heroine running in the other direction screaming.
Nicole is right don’t tell me over and over their soul mates, prove it to me with good writing and a good story.
Marianne, when you bring up the love at first sight with newborns, I can see your point. I did fall in love with my children immediately.
I guess I’ve never experienced it with a man. I liked my husband when I met him because he made me laugh, but falling in love was a gradual process for me.
My problem in books is falling “in love” with an image, the way someone looks. Yes, you can love their looks, but how can you love HIM (or her) without even talking to them? But lust and love (and hate) are all closely connected. I have met people where we instantly “hit it off” as if we’d been friends forever.
Okay, I’ll grant it’s possible (obviously, since it happened to you!
)– but I still think there needs to be some sort of intercommunication.
Yeah, I’m feeling some slight annoyance on this one, since I’m reading You Slay Me right now and am a bit baffled on the “Oh, hey, you’re a wyvern’s mate, whether you like it or not” magical anvil dropped on the heroine.
The worst “soulmate you’re trapped with” thing I think I ever read was a sci-fi book- Blade Dancer, S.L. Viehl. Boy and girl are half-alien, half-human, but she got brought up on Earth and he got brought up on the alien-side planet, where people are supposed to have soul mates and until you find yours and marry them, you don’t get nookie. She’s had a boyfriend or two before meeting dude and doesn’t get why they can’t just get jiggy with it.
Girl: Why not?
Boy: We MUST get married first. And then have children.
Girl: Um, I don’t want kids, thanks. Can’t we just boink?
Boy: No! We must not without marriage and babies!
Girl: I guess we’re not boinking then.
Even worse, the two have Sexual Tension up the wazoo, to the point where they’re getting all savage and rage-y (doesn’t help they’re at an assassin school and playing with weapons all day), and their friends tell them that if they don’t start having The Sex, they’re gonna die one way or another. Because Soul Mates Must Be Together! Which leads to her going, “Um, I guess I could have a kid, since we’re apparently going to DIE if I don’t marry and sex you and have your babies.”
Nothing like forced breeding upon someone who doesn’t want kids to really piss me off. If the rest of it hadn’t been good I would have thrown it across the room for that one.
I’m not too fond of the whole soul-mate / predestined lovers thing, either. What I like best of all of reading romance is seeing the characters fall in love, the whole process… what is it about each character that appeals to the other, how their feelings evolve, and so on. Having them simply be soul-mates usually means this is skipped.
I think the only times soul-mate romances have worked for me have been when the author has made a point to show the reader that the characters would have fallen in love anyway, even if that destiny thing hadn’t been there.
I don’t buy into the idea of soul mates who are fated to be in real life, and it has sometimes resulted in lazy fiction, but when it’s done well, I think very little can beat its zing. I like it when the characters try to resist the Universe, but the Universe has definite ideas. Bet Me is a wonderful example of this. When Cal decides not to see Min any more, it almost seems as if all his appliances gang up to hurt him until he realizes Min is The One. I also like how the “THIS ONE, YOU IDIOT” voice that he hears when he’s kissing Min usually coincides with Min’s best friend socking him on the noggin–talk about a literal interpretation of hitting somebody over the head with a message. The thing is, you get the sense that not only do Cal and Min love each other and find each other irresistible, they genuinely like each other too, and I think that’s something quite rare in romance novels. I usually get the impression that the h/h want to hump each other dry because of their Overwhelming Passion, but I don’t very often get the sense that they genuinely like each other and would like to be each other’s best friend.
I agree with other commenters who have said it’s all in execution. I remember one of Shiloh Walker’s books (EC author) which are paranormal and so yeah the soul mate “bonded” line was used, but the heroine was still defiant. Despite the “bonding” thing over her head it took a series of situations and actions on both their parts for them to truly get together.
Wow – lots of comments so far! Silly me, I had forgotten my column was going live this morning
Some of you hit upon why you like the soul mates theme – and I really do understand it. My problem is, I have yet to read a book where this concept is handled well. So often the author uses the “soul mate” idea to justify the romance. I don’t want my romance justified – show me the characters learning to love each other thankyouverymuch.
And Maili brings up an excellent point that I failed to make – the inane, insipid dialouge! I’m a dialouge junkie, and if all the hero and heroine talk about is how they are “soul mates” I get real bored, real quick. Also, no man I’ve ever known talks about being a soul mate to anything, let alone anyone.
Well, maybe the TV remote control
Count me as someone who really wants to know why two people are falling for each other, whether they’re ’soul mates’ or not. As someone else said, they need to like each other as well as have the great passion. I need to believe that after the HEA they’ll enjoy talking to each other, doing things together that don’t just involve heavy breathing, that they’ll still be loving and laughing and finding joy in each other when they’re 70 and his abs have disappeared and hair is growing out of his nose and she has flabby arms and drooping boobs. Because love that transcends the physical, that is a deep emotional bond, is what I find romantic. The hot bouncy stuff is good fun, but in itself it isn’t enough to convince me that the HEA will last more than two months.
I’m with you, Wendy – excellent post!
Soul mates CAN work… but far too often it’s used as a shortcut, and we get that lazy romance as a result.
I’m with the author of the original post. I don’t like the soulmates concept — not the idea of perfect love, but the romance plot device in which they *must* be mates for whatever reason… when if they don’t have sex/relationship, he’ll go blind, she’ll go pimply, the world will go down in flames. There is never a question of “what if one of them wants out,” of course, because it is a romance novel, and in romance novels, that doesn’t happen.
IMHO, it is a safety cushion fantasy. “No matter what, if there is a man destined for me, I won’t be alone, because we will be kept together, come hell or high water.” The core of that fantasy is an ideal world in which a metaphysical divorce is simply not possible.
I’m especially amused when the soulmates concept also has the man somehow being unable, to the point of *physically* unable, getting involved with other women, again, no matter what. This is just pathetic.
I guess for me the idea of a soul mate doesn’t mean that the universe has decided. What is so romantic for me is the idea that you’ve loved this person forever. Loved them because you fell in love with them then, and you fall in love with them ever life thereafter. Love that survives anything. That just gets me.
Oddly enough, the one person I can think of who does soulbonds really well is Mercedes Lackey in her fantasy Valdemar universe. She has the zing of instant compatibility with Selenay and Darin, the bond that takes a lot of time to actually work out with Talia and Dirk, a bond lost and found again by Vanyel, and many other variations. And in her universe the people most likely to be soulbonded are the gifted-and-selfless ones who’d otherwise not take care of themselves, an actual practical reason for generous gods to come up with the idea. Still, I agree with the character who, in response to another’s wish for that kind of bond, said he didn’t want to be soulbonded at all: who wants to be in physical pain whenever you argue with your lover about the slightest thing?
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