Recently on my personal weblog I wrote about some of the problems I’ve encountered while surfing the online romance community. (I’m certain these behaviors aren’t limited to romance authors, but romance is my job and really, as far as online communities, it’s all I know.) The issues I’ve seen are unfriendliness to new members, argumentativeness brought on by pettiness and jealousy, slamming and flaming, snarky rants on blogs meant to tear down another individual, bogus bad reviews, and rumor spreading.
My blog post garnered many comments from people who talked about the friends they’d found on the internet and the good experiences they’d had. I can personally attest to the benefits I’ve found on the web. I met all three of my treasured critique partners through my website as well as every single one of the writers I call friends. I’m not saying the entire online romance community is good for nothing. What I’m saying is there are some serious issues with behavior and addressing that is important.
I wish I could share with you the flood of private e-mails I received about my post. Horror stories that the writer didn’t feel comfortable airing publicly. But there was a common thread that came through every e-mail–”Snarky bitchiness is what happens when you put a group of women together. Online or off.”
How sad is that? 
Is that really how we women are? Catty, petty creatures who envy and resent the successes of others and feel an uncontrollable urge to lower those who rise above us? I’d like to think not. We are mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, friends, readers, and writers. We are extraordinary. And we should act that way.
I don’t know if the behavior problems can be corrected, but I think we owe it to ourselves to give it a try. Say hello to the new people who join your loops. Before you post a rebuttal, first consider if a rebuttal is really necessary. (Just because you disagree doesn’t make your rebuttal necessary and saying, “I disagree†without backing up your statement with well-researched reasons why is unnecessary.) Be capable of walking away from fruitless confrontations, and I mean walk away. Forget about it. Don’t flame, gossip, or attempt to cause some damage when all is said and done. Try not to reply in the heat of the moment. And remember that the written word doesn’t carry with it the facial expressions and voice inflections that make face to face communication more clear.
People are being hurt everyday by the actions of others in the online romance community and to say this is inevitable because we’re a majority of women is a very sad thing. I think we can rise above this by simply taking a few extra moments before hitting the “send†button. I’m not trying to preach, I’m no less guilty than the next writer or reader. But I’m going to try harder and I think if we all try a little harder, we can bring about positive change.
No related posts.
I’ve always found that the plus’s outweigh the minus’s for me as far as online relationships. I found my publisher, my crit partners, new friends, and incredible support.
People are all different though, and it’s normal that when an immense number of incredibly diverse people get together there is bound to be friction. As Miss Manners says, “That’s why we have rules of etiquette.” Unfortunately, being faceless online often leads some people to show their most unpleasant natures. Debates often get out of hand as people type in what they would never dare say to someone’s face – even during a heated debate.
So yes, I am all for following an online rules of etiquette. Perhaps in my spare time I will emulate Miss Manners and draw up a list of online rules…but how many people would follow them?
Well said, Sylvia. And brave of you to say it, too!
I couldn’t agree with you more. The things you stated are some of the major reasons my partner and I started Romance Divas. We strive to maintain a site that is fun, useful and friendly and so far, I think we’ve done a pretty good job.
It’s silly that grown women with the same purpose can’t come together and act the way their mother’s raised them! Let’s support each other – Lord knows there are enough rejections and pitfalls in this business without our peers contributing to the madness.
I say share the love. That’s why we write romance, isn’t it?:mrgreen:
I agree. I think there is just a lot of negative energy out there, and for whatever reason in our little world it seems to attract people rather than turn them off. That’s the part I don’t get.
But in defense of women, I have to say I am on non-romance loops with at least a 50/50 split in the genders and there is just as much if not more flaming and personal attacks. I think it has more to do with the false feeling of protection and anonymity people get when posting on the web, than with gender issues.
I do wish we could all be more supportive of each other though.
Great topic, I have to go read Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and chase some rainbows now.
Lori
I’m sure that this does happen, but I’ve experienced worse on 50/50 sites. I guess I’m just really lucky that the first romance writing site I’ve been on has been the Romance Divas site, and there I’ve found some of the kindest, most supportive women around.
The web has brought many different people to one place. It’s time to excersize diplomacy. Pay it forward.~Briana
“Perhaps in my spare time I will emulate Miss Manners and draw up a list of online rules…but how many people would follow them?” – This CAN work. In the group I moderate, we have such a list and abide by the rules. We also have a membership limit (and a waitlist), which helps to keep up tight and builds trust among the members. You can ’say’ a lot more to eachother after that bond is secure. I won’t say we’ve never had an argument, but the idea is that we all look out for the best interests of one another. Women are also very good at that
This is common courtesty or should be. But then there is “the race” to let the first thing that comes to mind let loose on the poor, unsuspecting masses. I have wonderful people on my rings, but then there are the ones who are critical, and NOT in a good way. Never constructive cricisim. Always destructive.
I don’t see these people changing. They are proud of being a brick wall when it comes to compromise. They are right. Period.
It’s a shame. These are the people who will not learn and who block learning to others.
Can’t we all get along? In a perfect world, yes. In the cyber world, unfortunately not.
Grins*
You’re right about the facial expressions. I think that’s where half of all internet misunderstandings come from!
I used to moderate one of the old RWA listserves. Most of the time, things were calm, but then a hot topic would pop up, someone would take something personally and “BAM” the emails flew. Email is such an immediate medium that it’s easy to type a quick response and hit send before thinking over the situation. I’ve learned to adopt a simple technique when someone’s email hits me a little wrong, I take my hands off the keyboard, back away for a few minutes and then read the email again. Two more times if necessary. That breathing room helps me resist the urge to fire back on impulse.
Amen. Enough said.
I could not agree with you more. A couple of months ago, brand new to the loops, I posted something about how much I appreciate those that are PAN helping those of us that are PRO along, giving advice and letting us learn from their mistakes instead of repeating what they’ve already been through, smoothing the way for us struggling along. OMG. That started a flood. One person, who admits she took one line from my not-so-short email, made it sound like I was saying PANS *owe* us. ??? That just doesn’t even make sense, and wasn’t what I meant at all. I think compassion and common courtesy are sorely missing from some individuals’ personality make-up. You never get a second change to make a first impression. Yeah, it’s cliche’. But it’s TRUE.
You really nailed something that’s been on my mind lately. Thank you for addressing it with such grace.
A few years ago, I learned an important life lesson. Negativity attracts negativity. I’m very careful now about who I let into my inner circle so to speak. This includes relationships on line. If there is more ‘flaming’ on a website, blog or loop than constructive musings or advice… I leave. Luckily, I belong to enough respectful reader and writer loops to keep me ‘in touch’ with the industry. Compassion and common courtesy, my thoughts exactly, Brenda. Excellent post, Sylvia.
Nice post!I have felt the rumblings of some of the stuff you’re mentioning for a couple weeks now and I’m sorry to see it all coming to a head.
There almost has to be agreement on a code of conduct that is universally adhered to (think of the cool etiquette icon we could put on our websites showing we subscribe to ‘the code’:grin:)
In fact, I just recently developed a comment policy for my blog–no verbal abuse or threats. Oh yes, it has to actually be said.
In my experience with the infertility blogosphere, these kind of spats come up pretty regularly despite pleas to ‘just get along’. But it hasn’t worked.
I wonder how much the infertility bloggers’ experiences with conflict management will mirror that of other blog communities?
I watch the interactions of the infertility and author online communities and wonder if it is even possible for everyone to be civil.
At the moment, I don’t think it’s possible. Although to be fair, the author community does seem to be more civil. At least as far as I can tell. None of you are wishing a bad case of boils on certain *ahem* delicate areas of my anatomy, are you? Or want to “stalk” me across the internet to tell me off? (Those are real examples, although not said to or about me.)
See, it could be worse.
Sigh.
Michelle
I agree that the ability to email/post immediately definitely contributes to things getting out of control. When you can type and send your initial reaction as fast as you’re having it, cooler heads aren’t going to prevail.
I also follow some message boards/lists consisting mostly of men (for my husband, who types about .002 wpm) and they all have flare-ups occasionally, too. But men (just to throw a generalization out there) are more blunt, direct, and get it out there and over with. Women aren’t, as a rule, so the snide remarks couched in smilies and such start, and without the same forthrightness, things fester, and then BAM!.
And it’s so easy to get up in the “Yeah, but…’ thing.
Excellent reminder of something each of us, at some time or another, has needed to remember. Thanks, Sylvia!
I agree, there should be common courtesy. So far, I was fortunate to meet great CP’s and people online that helped me (tfu-tfu-tfu). For example, I recently posted about something that upset me and received great comments and support that made me feel much better and helped plugging forward. Writing is difficult and sometimes heart-wrenching though also heart-warming business, and we should support each other.
To tell the truth, I’ve had a good relationship with 90% of the women writers I’ve encountered. I can’t say the same for the men. “Snarky bitchiness,” as you put it, is not limited to a certain gender. I belong to a large critique circle, where some the men seem to have a case of literary snobbery toward romance authors. I had a recent bad encounter with two of them, who put down my recent acceptance by Vintage Romance Publishing. They made comments in the forum to the effect that Vintage is a small press, trolling the bottom of the barrell for writers. How’s that for “snarky”?
Well said, Sylvia!
I’ve met the best friends I’ve ever had through the online romance community. But I’ve been badly hurt by the flipside of the coin, too.
A good reminder.
I’m the one who got the fake review. Yeah. THAT really stings. *rolls eyes* My debut novel hit the BookSCAN top 100 the week of its release. WHOA!!!! She DESTROYED ME!!!! (And, yes, the rake review is still up and is easily found.)
Aside from how freakin’ petty and stupid such behavior is, more than anything, it makes me wonder, “What is WRONG with people that they do that?”
Why can’t people have opinions and express them without getting life-long enemies? Why can’t reasonable people DIFFER from other people’s opinions without it being construed as an expression of personal and undying hatred? What is wrong with some people that everything that differs from their convictions or behavior absolutely must be construed as an attack against their utter essence of being?
I don’t think the online romance community should be all hugs and light. I’m not that kind of woman. But I do think there should be a free expression of ideas and opinions without anyone going, to put it bluntly, batshit crazy.
Thank you.
When I started taking writing seriously, I got into the web to find people with similar tastes. Since then I’ve belonged to several romance writers groups and critique groups. Perhaps I’ve felt intimidated in some of them. Not because their members are nasty to me, but because I feel too ignorant about the craft. Of course, I’ve met lots of cool people, who have been very supportive, too.
That is so true. I’m pretty sure that the reason men still rule the world is because women are too busy snarking at each other to take them on.
Great post.:mrgreen:
I formally object to the phrasing in the following sentence –”Snarky bitchiness is what happens when you put a group of women together. Online or off.â€
I would like to respecfully post the following points:
* Snark and Bitch are not interchangeable terms.
* Snark is humor. Bitchiness CAN be humorous but usually isn’t.
* Women do not own the art of snark. Probably the first true god of snark was Hunter S. Thompson.
* http://www.TelevisionWithoutPity.com is an excellent site for snark lovers to get their reading fix.
* Riffing off of life and the people around you is not a manifestation of bitchiness. It’s snark. Bitching about life and the people around you is bitchiness.
I have noticed that “Snark” is being used more and more as a derogotory term online and I am quietly trying to correct that trend.
Having said that – I agree that some boards are plagued by sociopathic scum who swoop down on hapless fans for the fun of it. It seems to be the prefered sport of the bored, angry-at-the-world-disappointed-at-their-own-failed-lives cyber trash. It’s a free Internet. They can do as they please when the board owner doesn’t set limits. Make your board a members only zone and give yourself permission to bann anyone not playing by the rules of polite society.
If it’s not funny, it’s not snark.
Kindest Regards,
Cindy Cruciger
I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn’t looking too good either.
(The above signature line is a Snark sample for your entertainment.)
Hi Sylvia,
Well said…
it’s a sad thing to see.
even in my own work place I’ve noticed that it’s often more difficult “working” with a group of women, where I once worked with a group of men.
As a woman, I do feel it’s a disgrace to us.
This may be simple minded… but it really is a good way to approach things…
treat others as you would like to be treated.
on line, off line… in every walk of life.
it’s unfortunate that the internet allows some to “hide” while blasting others.
that being said…
Hi…. I’m Loretta and I love to read romance books.