For any writer who is involved with the great agent search, ultimately signing with one brings about a multitude of emotions. Shock, euphoria, and satisfaction to name a few. I’m going to talk about one that is perhaps less common. Let down.
That’s right, I said let down.
After making the decision to hire an agent, I spent every waking hour of two years striving to make that goal a reality. I wrote books, revised books, wrote queries, wrote synopses, went through countless ink cartridges, packaged proposals, printed fulls, stalked the mail lady, pumped a fist in the air over requests and sighed dejected sighs over rejections.
Then the day came when I signed with an agent. I embraced this accomplishment with all the normal feelings, spent a few days on a high, and looked forward to just being able to write.
But suddenly the only thing I had to do was the one thing I couldn’t. Write. Create. At first I chalked it up to excitement, but as the weeks passed, I realized I had a bigger problem.
I cannot tell you how much of an idiot I felt like. For two years I had longed for the day when I could just write, turn it over to an agent and let her go to bat for me. So why now was I choking?
I finally realized that I was experiencing let down. My routine was blown to hell in a hand basket. I felt a little lost. It was hard to switch gears after years of doing the same thing day in, day out.
And the longer I went without a steady flow of writing, the more frustrated I grew. I was angry at myself for squandering an opportunity I had devoted so much time and energy to gaining.
For the first time, I began to doubt myself as a writer, and doubt does not make for a good companion. I tried writing, absent the inspiration, and let’s just say I was better off not writing at all.
I cannot say for sure what brought me out of my stupor. It was a gradual re-learning, forming a new routine and adjusting to the new quietness of just writing. Now that I’m over the hump, I wouldn’t for a minute go willingly back to the stress of writing a query letter. And I’m sure my mail lady doesn’t miss the crazed woman who haunted the mailbox every day.
It’s nice to be able to complain about the process of writing again because it means I am writing.
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Been staring at this post for a while, thinking, “It’s not just me.â€
I kept telling myself, when I have a ‘real’ deadline, it’ll be different. I’m starting to recognize the major pitfall of thinking that way, realize that if I set the deadlines for myself now, I’ll be in a much better position/routine when The Call does happen. It’s recognizing that it’s still ‘all about me’ and still all up to me – that I can’t be dependent on someone else to give me a reason to finish. It’s about taking back that control, the one area, possibly the only area, I can control, which is the writing, while still keeping my eye on the business aspect of the whole thing. And absolutely, it’s about finding that new routine.
Thank you, Sharon – you said it perfectly for me. Even if you did make me think way too much, way too early in the morning.:smile:
After getting an agent, I’m still writing but I have a different letdown. It’s weird but I miss sending out queries and partials. I definitely miss the thrill of a request. An agent sending out the my ms. isn’t the same. Less personal maybe? I don’t have the control?
Enjoyed your column, Sharon. Like Steph said, it made me think.
Lovely, Sharon. I’m not in the agent hunt (yet) quite apart from that issue, your words on being blocked really struck a chord. Good luck!
Interesting. I hadn’t really thought of the “let down” aspect of landing an agent. Thanks for preparing me for my agent
stalkingquerying.Yes. I feel that way, too. I miss the thrill of submitting for myself. I used to love firing off a query for the hell of it. I’m still getting to submit stuff, because my agent isn’t handling my category career, but it’s not the same. It hasn’t caused any block for me in writing–but it really is causing block for me in revising a ms for her.
Guess we gotta find adrenaline elsewhere, huh? Author bungee jumping, anyone?
Ugh! As one whose agent announced her retirement a week ago, I am in the beginning stages of an agent hunt and not looking forward to it! I haven’t had to send out queries and package up formal submissions in 10 years. Ugh again! But I enjoyed your column.
Well said, Sharon. Boy, can I relate.